When A Man Loves A Woman

So, as I said on an earlier post, I joined this dating website mostly out of boredom and curiosity. As it turns out, I met an amazing woman there. She is educated, intelligent, creative, articulate, funny, beautiful, and kind with a splash of good humored sarcasm. She is just the "girl next door" type that drives me crazy. BUT, I had never had the opportunity to fully enjoy the dynamic before, since all my previous girlfriends knew me as female and none of them were really that type, either.

Since being on T, there is no denying that my emotional reactions to things have changed. I am much less "emotional". I feel more stable, more thoughtful and less jerked around by which ever way the wind blows. This, of course, is probably also in large part to finally being grounded in my sense of self. But some of it DOES have to do with the T. I was ranting to my male cousin about how I felt angry and frustrated so quickly at things, about how my emotional IQ and intuitive understanding of my then girlfriend had plummeted. He said, "Welcome to manhood. You are telling me what every guy sits on a barstool and complains about to his buddies. It's the T." He went on to remind me that emotions are just the product of brain chemistry and that my brain chemistry was drastically different now. That made sense and was actually kind of a relief. Then, all I had to do was learn how to sort through these feelings and react accordingly. I say all that to say that I was very curious, and a little worried, about if I'd ever feel those butterflies again. I was worried that I would feel like I was falling in love again.

Now, let me preface this by saying that I ended up going on exactly 2 dates with this amazing woman. We talked on the phone some and emailed and chatted some, but not excessively. I knew enough of her story to know that she was someone who had suffered a few unexpected turns in life and had to learn to get back on track.

I did not tell her about my "status" for a couple of reasons. I wanted her to get to know ME without the static of that in the background and I wanted to be able to be myself without worrying that something I did or said would be "too feminine". I was just me and from everything I could tell, she liked me- and was starting to like me a lot.

As far as butterflies go- they were there, in record quantity. The moment I saw her coming from across the street, I thought to myself, "Oh man, I'm in trouble." She was so beautiful that it was disarming. I now know why guys turn into blubbering idiots around woman. There is so much there in the "right" woman. She drives you forward, opens you up and let's you know you are enough with one look, one smile, one touch.

As we talked, we discovered so many commonalities. We talked about everything from pets to our common hometown to food and our respective but VERY similar OCD tendencies. Between dates, I mentioned that I needed some classical music to work to because lyrics are distracting to me. With in a day or two, she had burned me a cd of her favorites.

Funny thing, though I barely know her- and may not be getting the chance to know her better as I haven't heard from her since I dropped the bomb shell- I hear her in the music. One track in particular (Holst- Jupiter the Bringer of Jollity)... I hear what I saw in her eyes. Resolve and Hope. When our eyes locked, I saw Hope. Hope that is forged by flames of grief and turmoil. Hope that was threatened by the extreme heat of deep personal tragedy but that survived. She is not damaged for her journey, she is enlightened and she has confidence and courage that only few find. And I swear I could feel her searching my eyes and dare I say, finding the same.

Now, the silence since I told her, has been deafening. My mind has been flooded with things that I could "do". I am a do-er, you see. I could send her the lyrics to the song she inspired; I could leave a single rose and a note on her car at work; I could send her a letter, detailing her amazing qualities. But after I told her, she said she needed time to process. So, as I see it, the one thing I can "do" is nothing, is give her that time, despite how uncomfortable the silence is to me.

There is an old saying, that I always thought was very cheesy: "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it is yours; If it doesn't it never was." Now, I am not saying I LOVED her- I barely knew her- but I do think we could have (and who knows, maybe someday still will be) great together. I think we would have been solid and both felt blessed to have the other. But last night, after several days of moping around, I realized I just have to let her go. Like so many other things in my life, I just have to let go.

I am extremely grateful to her for the privilege of spending time with her and what she has done for me, she may never know. She gave me two nights of catching a glimpse, a sneak preview of what it feels like when a man loves a woman.