So, being recently single has forced me to think about how to date, what I want in a partner now and the ever lingering question of when do you tell them that under your clothes, your body is not quite what they expect?
I actually joined a dating website, kinda out of boredom and curiosity. Nothing fancy, or that I have to pay for... just a toe in the water. I thought about seeking out bi-sexual women, hoping that their ability to be attracted to either gender might pave the way for more acceptance. Lesbians are kinda out if they are only attracted to women. I have found that this generally means they also feel more comfortable with the dynamics of two women rather than a man and a woman, in addition to being sexually attracted to the female form. As of now, I no longer have the female form. I have arrived at the place where my body shape, voice and appearance all register to others as male. If someone doesn't know... they just don't know.
But ultimately, I'd like to date and eventually marry someone who fully embraces the traditional gender roles. I think about the things that I have missed out on so far in life, having been forced away from my natural bent (like playing football, unabashedly opening doors and being the protector/provider, being called "Dad") and I long for a do-over.
But all this thinking about dating and future had me kinda fixated on my trans status. I think about what I am saying, how I am coming off, etc. and hope that I don't out myself because I am not an asshole and apparently (sorry, guys) the overwhelming majority of guys are. That being said a good friend of mine pointed out that being trans isn't what makes me do everything I do... it isn't what makes me who I am. Having been deeply entrenched in the process for the last 8 months, her comment was like someone "zooming out" on my image finder screen.
It occurred to me that I am not who I am today, I am not kind and sensitive and a hopeless romantic because I was born in a female body. I am not unique because I am trans- I am who I am today because of the cumulative effect of all the experiences in my life. I cannot even say that I can connect with women because I know what it feels like to be a woman, because I have never been a woman. I think my insight comes from two things- #1. Thirty-four years with more estrogen than testosterone (thus allowing me to be more aware of and in touch with emotions other than anger, emotions that now surface as anger but because of my experience prior to T, I understand are something else) and #2. Being in the inner circle of females for so long. Just as the boys club is now accessible to me and I am learning things about male culture that I didn't know before when I wasn't allowed in, I know things that most men don't because I was, erroneously and by default allowed in to the girl's club (though I spent most of my time looking for the emergency exit).
I will say that having this knowledge and experience makes me love and respect women even more. I know what it feels like to be the underdog in the power scheme. I never even really noticed how I felt walking around knowing on some level that most men around me could physically overpower me anytime they wanted to. I didn't realize the vulnerability that that creates. Now, now that I weigh 30 lbs more and am significantly stronger and I could physically overpower most women (no offense intended) I realize how different it is. And a man that has never been on the other side certainly cannot empathize. This gives me so much respect for women and their trust. If a woman allows me to be in her "bubble" I see that as a gift and am determined NOT to burst that bubble or fail to appreciate the trust inherent in the gift.
In short, though being trans is so difficult sometimes and it often feels like a curse, it more often feels like a blessing. My life, my experiences, the opportunity to have fought through an abusive marriage, divorce, faith crisis, undergrad, single mothering, custody battles, break ups and 85% of law school being perceived "as a woman"... coming to the place that I was proud of where I was and who I was and what I had accomplished was just the threshold to a new world, a new life-> to me. And I love this me and finally feel like I deserve success, respect and prosperity in all things. I finally feel like I can just be.
And as it turns out my trans status is not the forest; it is just a tree.
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