Just a Good Ol' Boy

So, as I come into my own, there is no denying that I am just a good ol' boy. Not in the sense that I am bigoted or sexist, but in the sense that what I really want out of life, is just a "normal life". I want a wife and a family and a good job and just an easy going life, enjoying the little things. The problem is finding someone who wants those things too. I am attracted to a certain "type" of woman that is pretty traditional. So, the challenge is finding someone who is traditional enough to be compatible in what we want, but also finds a way to wrap their brain around my situation. I sure wish I had a way to make it make sense. But, it is a complete and total mind F*. No way around it.

Then there is the ever pressing question of how and when to share this very difficult and personal information. Too soon and you have over-shared, run the risk of them never getting to know who you really, or at worst compromising your own physical safety. Too late, and the woman could feel like you have been lying to her. The amount of trust it takes to share something that has, for most of your life, been such a source of pain and shame is difficult to build in the short amount of time before it seems like disclosure is necessary. There is a fear that you will, once again, be misunderstood, invisible, forced into a box in which you do not belong.

Some transgendered people are attracted to those in the queer community and they see their own sexuality and/or gender as fluid so dating bisexual or genderqueer people works for them. Running in those circles, dating in those circles, certainly makes it "easier" and less scary. But, while I value my connection with the queer community, I don't find any romantic attraction there. I am attracted to straight women, who love and embrace their femininity.

So- once again- between a rock and a hard place. My therapist says that I will find someone who can deal with all of this mess. She says it will be like looking for a certain grain of sand in a sand dune. She says I have a lot of sifting to do.

Today, my feet are raw from the hot friction of the long walk through the dessert. My eyes sting as they blink to try to purge the grains the wind has deposited. I am hot and tired. I question the effectiveness of my tools. I wonder if the picture of my future that at moments seems so clear and real is just a mirage.

I guess, once again, I have to wait and see.