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SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 6, 2009
A long time ago... in a galaxy far, far away...

35 years ago today, my parents welcomed a new baby into the world. By first glance, it was a baby girl. This perception persisted for years. Sure, "she" was into sports. She was just a tomboy, right? Then, the hurdle of accepting or at least tolerating her attraction to women. Now, "she" was a soft butch lesbian. Great. To my parents, this was certainly nothing to celebrate. Then, 5 months and 10 days (163 days)ago, it smacked me right between the eyes. (see first post about maidenform).

This is the very first birthday I have celebrated as me. And it feels amazing. The more firsts I have as D, the more I realize how I was going through life numb. I was sure something wasn't quite right. I always had a sense of longing, loneliness, sadness but I just didn't know why. Now, I am feeling everything. That is scary sometimes because sometimes things hurt. I get that old sensation of my throat and lungs being constricted and this ache in my chest. I lived with that sensation for years. Now, when it comes back, I stop and check in with myself. My therapist is helping me gain tools to unpack those feelings and be able to deal with them.

So, I mentioned in my last post a weird deal with my ex. Well, I was talking about my ex from over 8 years ago. She was the first woman I had ever been with. She "rescued" me from my unhealthy marriage. She was great to me. But she I always felt guilty for wanting to grow or change. For example, when I cut my shoulder length hair off to very short, she cried; when I wanted to go to graduate school, she was constantly asking, "What does that mean for us?" If I wanted to have a beer, she questioned me about it and acted like I was turning into an alcoholic.

We broke up because she was unwilling to let me grow past a certain point, afraid that I would outgrow her. Which, really only brought on exactly that. I broke her heart when I walked away during our 4th Thanksgiving together. Then, we were silent for over three years. No communication at all. Then, before I left to go to D.C. for law school, I tracked her down and told her I was sorry for the things I did during the course of our relationship that were not kind. And she forgave me for breaking her heart and we became friends. We talked not infrequently and talked out many of the things that had been sideways, but too scary to talk about, in our relationship. Since then, she has twice professed her undying love for me. We had coffee or meals a few times when we were in each other's respective locations but stayed VERY platonic.

Then, I told her about my decision to transition. And hadn't heard from her since April- 5 months. Not the end of the world. I didn't even really think about it that much. I think I left a few messages that went unreturned. But we were both busy, so I really didn't think much of it.

Then, last week, she text messaged me. She said something along the lines of, "Thanks for giving me the time I needed to deal with your decision. It has not been easy for me...." She then proceeded to tell me that she and her girlfriend had purchased a house 10 miles from where I live and she is working downtown, blocks from where I work. At first, I just felt annoyed. Annoyed at the understated drama of the whole thing. Then, I got really, really angry. I couldn't really figure out why. Except a vague sense of- this (my decision) is not about her. It made me angry that all these years later and all the times she has told me she just wanted me to be happy lead to this. I did not expect her support; I didn't need her support. But what I really don't need is ANYONE making me feel guilty for being who I am, for listening to myself, for becoming.

So, here, on this first birthday as a full blown man, I walk with my head held high. I have scars. I cry. I hurt. But I also celebrate. And laugh. And sing. I can finally live the full spectrum. I have amazing kids and a bright career ahead. And for the first time I can honestly say, I wouldn't change a thing.
Posted by transman at 8:34 AM 0 comments



SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 5, 2009
Whatever happened to the calm after the storm?

So, it has been quite a long time since I blogged. As you can imagine, my brain was mush for a while after the bar exam. I had thought that when the test was over, things would be so relaxing. But, as it turns out, I had let many, many things get behind while I was in the final days of preparation, not the least of which was my social life and personal relationships. As far as the exam, I am cautiously optimistic about my performance on the test. I left feeling beaten, but you are supposed to. So, we will know in Nov. if I was beaten like those before me who are now licensed attorneys or beaten like those with the stories about having to return for a subsequent beating. I'll keep you posted.

As far as the transition goes, all is well. My voice has continued to drop. I have spoken to several friends lately on the phone who are surprised at the amount of bass in my voice. I am finally getting used to the vibrations coming from a physically "lower" spot in my throat. For a couple of weeks there I had a range of about 4 notes when attempting to sing along to the radio in my car. That was upsetting as I do love karaoke and singing in general. My vocalist friend assured me that it was temporary and I would be able to sing again, eventually. It's getting better now but my voice still cracks sometimes. In this respect I am a little like a 14 year old boy.

My face and physique continue to shift and fill out. I was really awkward looking there for a little while. I was a little worried that I wouldn't be cute as a guy... I thought I was pretty cute as a girl... so, that was troubling. But, as it turns out, it was just the awkward "middle school" look. And, thanks to the miracle of very, very ready androreceptors, I passed through it pretty quickly. I still have some pimples but my complexion is fairly clear, so long as I am diligent about washing my face and keep slathering on the Clearasil. Generally, I think I am turning out to be an alright looking guy.

The body hair just keeps on coming. I have more, darker and thicker hair just about everywhere... and I do mean everywhere. This funny little layer of darker, thicker hairs are growing on my arms and wrists. I feel like an animal that is switching from it's summer to winter coat as the new, darker, thicker hairs create an undercoat, of sorts among my thinner blonde hairs. Crazy. My leg hair now looks like a dude since my thighs and knees are hairy now, too. This is good because for a while there it just looked like a girl who stopped shaving. As much as I love feminist theory, I also love American hygiene so I am glad to be out of that phase. My belly now has a full on happy trail. Which, indeed, makes me happy.

My sex drive is crazy. But it is finally leveling off. I have to say that at least now I can go through a day of work or a movie or a drive home without wondering when my next chance for "alone time" might be! Navigating a truly higher physical drive but also wanting to continue to show connection and respect to a partner has been a task. I also have had the experience of feeling like the person you are with (my ex-husband) just wants to take from you... just wants you to "service" him. That feeling is awful. So, I try really hard not to give off that vibe, cause it is not how I feel or what I want our relationship to be like... but when your skin gets hot and your heart starts pounding and your hands have a mind of their own and you feel all edgy, its hard not to look like you are just trying to "get some."

I have gained over 30lbs. I am much stockier than I used to be and the clothes I bought in May DO NOT fit. Small t-shirts are a thing of the past, as are 14 1/2" collars. I am picking up two new suits Sunday afternoon. Very happy about that.

Things are pretty level, emotionally. Mostly, the bar exam maxed me out. I am staring self injections next week. Up until now I have been going into the doc every week. That was comforting for a while but is now just annoying.

Over all, I am very happy with me experience. I have had some interesting thing happen that I will have to fill you in on... sneak peaks at the boys club when I am stealth, thoughts on relationships, and a weird experience with my ex.

More to come... for now...off to watch a movie with my kiddoes. I'll try to write more about them too.

SATURDAY, JULY 11, 2009
Deep, blue Me

So, I went to my Grandfather's burial today. He died on May 10 but my grandmother had to have cancer related surgery right away so, they cremated my Grandaddy and postponed the burial. There were only a few people at the burial, as most people showed condolences at the memorial service in their home town. The crowd consisted of myself, my mom and dad, my aunt and her husband, my other aunt and some second cousins. I got there first, then the group of second cousins. They asked me who I was, and when I told then who my mom was, one of the little old ladies relayed to the group, "Oh! This is T's boy!" I had to smile inside.

Then, my aunt and uncle showed up and my uncle called me "D". So nice. My aunts and grandmother used my male childhood nickname, which works just fine for me. It was a military service, complete with sailors, the flag and taps. As I sat there and listened to the chronicles of how my grandfather had faithfully served our nation, I thought about how I might have loved to serve in the military. Even now, I would love to be a JAG attorney. But no. This opportunity does not exist for me. Despite the fact that over 400 women cross dressed as men in the earliest American wars.

I have been reading "Transgender Warriors" and have been thinking a lot about the persecution suffered by those that have gone before me. From Joan of Arc to Two-Spirited Native Americans to Stonewall and those who fought laws about wearing gender appropriate clothing. I have wondered to myself how what I am doing means so little compared to the advances of generations past.

Then, sitting there at that funeral, it occurred to me that there is so much left to do. So much ground to be fought for. Just because I haven't been raped or beaten or arrested for who I am, does not mean there are not battles for me to fight. I compare the courage it takes for me to come out to professional organizations and friends and family and think it is only marginal compared to those who braved the very real possibility of arrest, physical assault, even death. And sometimes I feel like I should not even put myself in the same category. The generation before me did the REALLY hard work.

Then again, there is so much work left to do. Until insurance plans cover transgender counseling, SRS, and other healthcare costs; until transgendered people can fight for their nation; until the subtle prejudices and oppressions are gone... there is a battle to be fought and won. Maybe my part is transitioning in and remaining in my established community. Maybe my part is being the first out FTM attorney in TX (which I will be when I pass this bloody test). I do not know... but I hope beyond hope that the courage that has paved my way will hold me up to the task- the task of doing my part- the task of being me.

I felt regret that he never knew me as his grandson. And I though about how hard it would be if my Dad dies before he acknowledges me. If I die before he acknowledges me. Would they let me die as D? Would they insist on my birth name on the gravestone? Would I be remembered? (as D? as me?)

Then, we sang an old hymn, "I'll Fly Away." It goes like this:

Some bright morning when this life is over
I'll fly away
To that home on God's celestial shore
I'll fly away

I'll fly away oh glory
I'll fly away (in the morning)
When I die hallelujah by and by
I'll fly away

When the shadows of this life have gone
I'll fly away
Like a bird from these prison walls I'll fly
I'll fly away

Oh how glad and happy when we meet
I'll fly away
No more cold iron shackles on my feet
I'll fly away

Just a few more weary days and then
I'll fly away
To a land where joys will never end
I'll fly away

And as I felt the deep, resonating vibrations of my ever deeper voice, singing an octave lower than I have ever sung that song before, I thought about being free. I thought about being free from my body, from gender, from the "cold iron shackles on my feet". I thought about my spirit, apart from my body. . . and I suddenly felt very, very weary. I watched the balloons we let go (I know, bad for the environment but nobody asked me) soar up into the deep blue, the hot wind on my face... I watched the symbol of my Grandfather ascend into space, free from the pain of his aging and ailing body that had been little more than a burden to him since a major stroke in 1993.

And I my own sadness was tempered by feeling happy for his freedom and a splash of anticipation for my own, knowing though it will come in bits and pieces, someday I will be free.
Posted by transman at 9:39 AM


TUESDAY, JULY 7, 2009
Double T

So, I have been enjoying the changes I have seen with T so far. Funny thing though, up until now, I have been thinking about my physical changes in terms of passing, almost exclusively. I have been feeling like the whole purpose behind the transition is to get society at large's perceptions of me to match more completely with my own internal identity. I have been struggling with how shallow and/or silly that sounds as a reason to put myself, my family and my body through this. I have been fighting inside with the conflict between being willing to be myself and not care what people think (a process that started 11 years ago when I began identifying as a lesbian) and my own desire to transition. It seemed, somehow, inherently hypocritical to want to transition largely for the sake of OTHER people's perceptions and then turn around and say I am authentic and I don't care what other people think.

Well, come to find out, I was really holding out on myself. I was having a hard time with the fact that when i looked down at my legs, they are hairy and unshaven. It seemed incongruous and that really bothered me. The only explanation I could come up with was that I am a very hyper-hygiene person and body hair (mine or other guys I have cohabitation with) has always bothered me. It bothered me that when I did not pass, people MUST conclude that I am a butch lesbian who just doesn't shave my legs and armpits. That concept REALLY bothered me. The label "butch" always has. It scared me and made me question but then the slightest thought of going back to "girl" makes me want to hurl. So, I just kind of put it to the side and kept focused on the parts that felt right.

I don't know what happened. I don't know when it happened, but I think I am finally "getting it." I am finally letting myself be a man (in my own mind). I think I was afraid of disassociating with "lesbian" or "queer" because it somehow kept me with one foot in familiar space. Though I was sure I am not a lesbian from a gender perspective, I was still a bio woman who is attracted to women, which, by default kind of keeps me in that category. BUT, just in the last few days, I have verbalized to K, some other friends, and most importantly myself that I am not a lesbian at all. In fact, the idea of being called a lesbian is less and less appealing with every moment that passes regardless of bio the body I am saddled with. And although "queer" resonates in that to me it means "not of typical sexual or gender binary catagorization" I am not sure it will apply to me in the end.

I have worried that being a regular, straight guy was somehow betraying my own experiences and those of the GLBQ people around me. I felt some measure of guilt for being a "middle class white dude". But, alas, here I am. And shhshhhh.... I LOVE IT.

As of a few days ago, I LOVE my hairy legs and can't wait for the more changes. Not because I want other people's perception to match how I feel but because I want MY BODY to match how I feel. For me. And passing is a fringe benefit. I feel like a kid, eager to grow up- to see muscles build and facial hair get course and fill in. Because I am starting to see that there is hope, that someday when I look in the mirror, the man in the mirror will be a reflection of the man on the bathmat. Down to the last wrinkle, bald spot, muscle, or hair.

I think that some of this was brought on by my latest facebook profile pic. It is the first pick where I think i actually LOOK like a guy. I haven't like a picture of myself in a long, long time. There is room for improvement, but damn- I welcome myself to manhood. :)

I don't feel any difference on twice the T, which is good. I was a little worried that I would have the speedy feeling I had at first... so far, all systems are go. I finally stopped the monthly female reminders which is SO NICE. I'll keep you posted of other changes as they occur!

THURSDAY, JULY 2, 2009
KO!

So, the gym guy got back to me... after 2 days of silence, in which time I was sure he had decided he wasn't comfortable with me there. He is completely fine with me being there and was very adamant about wanting me to feel comfortable there. He said he is by no means politically correct but that when it comes to people being jerks about stuff, he doesn't tolerate it. He assured me he was comfortable because his niece is a lesbian. I am not sure that means anything as far as trans issues... but at least the general topic of sexuality (thought that is not the same as gender) is on his radar to some extent. He assured me he would address me as male and all things seem good to go!

So excited!

Independence Day??!?!?

So, the other thing I wanted to address is the fourth of July. I wanted to take my kids out to my grandparents house out in the country so they can set off fireworks, etc. Come to find out my mom and dad will be there at the time I was planning on going. This left me with some options... go Sat instead of Fri, avoid my Dad but miss the city fireworks display; or go Fri and put deal with it so the kids could see their grandparents and great grandparents but be completely uncomfortable, as well as anxiety about my Dad acting like he did at graduation (making judgmental and overtly disapproving comments in front of my kids).

So, I decided to call my Dad and see if we could come to an agreement. I asked him to use my childhood nickname (which is male) and try to avoid female pronouns. I asked him NOT to address the issue in any way in front of the kids. He asked me about if they asked him about it some day... I said he was free to answer there questions honestly but no unsolicited assertions of immorality, etc. He agreed. One thing I can say about my Dad is that if he says he is going to do something, he is going to do it. So, we are going. I will be around them for about 2.5 hours. Baby steps.

Work is winding down and Bar prep is winding up... I am making progress and feeling cautiously optimistic, though painfully aware of the GIGANTIC mountain I have to climb before me. LOTS of info to cram into my brain!
Posted by transman at 10:09 AM 0 comments



MONDAY, JUNE 29, 2009
Fighting Fears

So, I have decided to take up boxing. Not so much the actual contact part... but training like a boxer at a boxing gym. This should develop my core and upper body as well as give me a chace to regularly beat the S... out of things in a 'healthy and controlled' envoronment. This is something my therapist fully supports.

So, I visited this great gym saturday which is close to my house and affordable... I sent the owner the following email in hopes to be able to feel safe there:

Thanks for meeting with me on Saturday. I really enjoyed getting to chat with you and checking out your facility.

I am very interested in training with you but feel I need to be completely up front with you in order for both of us to be comfortable. I am transgendered female to male. I have been on male hormones for 8 weeks and have legally changed my name to 'D' from my female birth name.

If I train with you, I would like NOT to have this information disclosed. I would appreciate being thought of and addressed as male only, meaning male pronouns, sir, etc. One of the objectives of training with you would be to build the masculine physicque. I want to be MUCH more muscular than I am. With hard work and the help of the hormones, this is possible. I also want to lower my body fat and just generally get in great shape, while managing stress, etc. I have never coached or trained anyone with the objective of bulking up, so though I am familiar with the basic principles of high weight, low reps, I want some guidance there, too. I want to be pushed, physically.

As I mentioned, I am low on funds right now, but would like to start the classes basic membership, if you think you would be comfortable with my circumstances and requests. In August, I would probably add the personal training sessions.

Please let me know what you think and if you would feel comfortable with me as a member of your gym.



I sure hope he is down with it.
Posted by transman at 8:08 AM 0 comments
SUNDAY, JUNE 28, 2009
A Day in the Life

So, I thought I would take a few minutes to share my experiences yesterday. This is not intended to in anyway sound like I am feeling sorry for myself. It is just intended to give you a glimpse into the thoughts and considerations of a transman living in the gray, but wishing to be in the blue.

I started out yesterday getting ready for my bar exam review class. I did my usual struggle with which binder, with what underneath with which shirt, etc. I finally found a combination that worked as well as can be expected. I always hope on Saturdays that I will find some more comfortable alternative as I do not have to dress up for work. I do, to some degree, but I still ended up with three layers on top (thank goodness it was ONLY 103 yesterday). I went to class.

During class I had to go to the bathroon twice. I am using the mens room pretty exclusively now. But it is awkward at class becuase a couple hundred of the 350 there knew me pre-transition. So, ending up seeing someone you know well enough to know they know you are a bio girl, but not well enough to have actually talked to about the transision, is awkard. So, with elevated pulse and knotted stomache, I braved the mens room. The fist time, I didn't actually see anyone in there, though a few guys came in while I was in the stall. The second time, one of the guys I know pretty well was in there washing drying his hands and I came out of the stall, thinking he had left. He was fine, we exchanged pleasantries on our way out and I breathed a sigh of relief. He actually didn't seem the list bit surprised or bothered by me being there. That made me feel pretty good.

Next, I wanted to get a haircut. I find that keeping my hair well trimmed helps me pass and K and I were planning on going to a bar b que that evening, a hetero bbq of all strangers to us from an online meetup group. So, I wanted to do everything I could to pass. I debated driving down south and paying a little more to go to a really hip place here in town where my guy knows me, knows my circumstances and is 'fabulous'. BUT, I didnt want to drive or pay that much. So, I thought I would roll the dice. I have been passing more lately and hoped that with my name change and hairy legs sticking out from my cargo shorts, it wouldn't be an issue. Well, I walked in, and looked around. One of the stylists said, "ma'am, you can sign in right there." I almost walked out right then. BUT I signed my MALE name on the waiting list and took a seat. Then, she called me ma'am two more times when telling me it was my turn. I glared at her in what probably looked like, frustration mixed with disbelief and a dash of pain. She kinda clammed up and was very nice, avoiding all personal conversation or gender pronouns from that point on. I left, followed closely by the continuing gazes of two little kids with question marks in their eyes. I only had stinging in mine.

So, then I went to the grocery store seeking preskewered kabobs for the bbq and convenience sake. The older man behind the counter addressed me as sir repeatedly. I felt better, back on track. Then, at the checkout, the cashier just gave me that "what are you?" look and ommitted either gender prefix. I had to show her my DL for the beer, which has my male name but still a giant F on it, since I cant get gender reassigned til after surgery. I looked at my receipt and realized that my club card for that store printed my birth name on the receipt and they ALWAYS look at that and address you by Ms or MR whatever there. She skipped that step and just said have a nice day! I was grateful for her deviance from the status quo whether it was born from awareness, sensitivity, compassion or just confusion.

I went home and checked the mail where I got something from the alumni association at UT. It was addressed to "Ms." DW. They changed my name, they actually had emailed to to confirm my name change, but DID NOT change the prefix... ugh. Think, people.

Next, it was home to clean up, then get ready for the bbq. I got the apt all spic and span and then dressed for the event. I tried on several shirts (again with the binding) and a couple different pairs of shorts. I settled on long khakis and a polo shirt. It could just as easily have been a lesbo-tacular get up. I commented on not feeling too confident about passing to K but my hunger to be in a new environment and test myself, to be seen as male, won out over my anxiety.

We went to the bbq. I stayed silent and nodded at times I might have spoken as a woman. I minded my posture and voice influction. As far as I know, I passed. It was especially cool when one lady said, "typical, huh?" of my love for sports. I like being lumped in with the guys. It feels like being understood.

We came home, talked a little about the evening and about my desire for emotions to be linear. Which apparently is just not going to happen.

Anyway, it is amazing when I stop and think about how pervasive the gender transition is... how many moment of the day I have to make decisions, think about, weigh and risk. It is exhausting.

I am exhausted.
Posted by transman at 3:01 PM 0 comments


SATURDAY, JUNE 27, 2009
Form over Functoin

So, I have come to the conclusion that I have a choice to either be uncomfortable emotionally or uncomfortable physically. The last few days it has been 103-107 degrees in Austin and wearing layers and layers of clothes is NOT physically comfortable.

First, let me explain to those of you who have never witnessed a transman and his struggle to "bind" or compress the breasts untill they are no longer distinquishable as such to the general public. Transmen employ all sorts of techniques, from ace bandages to underarmor to layered sports bras, to "binders" or "binding vests". These binders have three times the spandex in a normal sports bra and are preferrable (at least in my opinion) to ace bandages because they are one piece, eliminating wrinkles AND they bind evenly. This is important becuase people actually end up with injuries from binding like cracked ribs, etc., from uneven pressure and trying to breath. Heaven forbid you can breath. The high spandex content is blended with what amounts to polyester, making a somewhat "rough" material with extra layers on the front, where you need more compression. Binders come in short (extending just below the rib cage) and long (kinda like a full body girdle that goes all the way down over your hips- good also for streamlining "girly" curves).

I have tried many variations of wearing my binders in a quest for a comfortable combination of undershirts, overshirts and appearance. I have tried wearing them with nothing underneath them, but the seams cut in. I have tried wearing a tank underneath them but eventually it starts cutting in under the seams. So, it appears an undershirt under the binder is the best option there. Then, in order to not make it obvious you are wearing a "bra-like" undergarmet, usually another undershirt is necessary on top of that. AND if you are wearing the longer binder, the small enough size to compress ends up rolling UP to your belly from your hips, so a tight belt around your hips is in order. As you may be able to imagine, this makes for many seams around your waste and biting as the day goes on. And of course, then you need whatever shirt you are going to actually wear as part of your outfit.

So, on Thursday, when it was 107 and I had to work, I was wearing a regular men's undershirt, a binder, another undershirt and my button down (sleeves up, at least) all tucked into my slacks with a belt sinched around my hips. Nice.

I have found that now that I am passing a little better, I am even more careful about not going outside without binding, for fear of neighbors thinking twice about their initial determination that I am a dude.

All of this, of course, can be solved by top surgery. But, you have to pay cash, up front (no pun intended). With having been a student for 3 years and $150,000 in educational debt, and the most likely job prospect being a government position with out much pay, I expect that won't happen for a long, long time. I have great insurance with the County BUT any surgery related to Sex Reassignment is considered elective, and thus, not covered. Similarly, my therapy, Testosterone and related blood tests and office visits are NOT covered. So, even with stellar insurance there is a fair amount of out of pocket expense to being a dude. Oh well, I guess it's cheaper than make-up, nails and jewelery!

So, given the choice it looks like I opt for form over function now, which is just the oposite of how I looked at things when I was a the tomboy who wore tennis shoes, jeans and T-shirts all the time. Which brings me to another point... since the transition, I am taking MUCH better care of myself. I care MORE what I look like, eat better, work out more and have eliminated sodas (with only an occassional indulgence). Who would have thought? So, while binding is just that, it's worth the flat chest, "sir's" and confidence it yeilds.
Posted by transman at 12:18 PM

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 24, 2009
Catching Up

So, it has been almost a month since I have made an entry. For those of you who had gotten in the somewhat regular habit of reading our blog, I must apologize. As you know, I have graduated, changed jobs and am now studying for the bar. The last few weeks the kids were here, too. So, time to actually think coherent thoughts was a luxury, not to mention having a chance to actually put them down on paper (so to speak). So, let me break this entry up into topics:

7 weeks on T

Monday was seven weeks on T. I am taking a relatively small dosage (25mg per week). This is a typical dosage for a rookie like me. Many transmen have said that this dosage resulted in frustration for them due to the slow changes. I have to say, though that given the way the first dose of 50 mg hit me, I am pretty content with this dose until I get "over the bar." I really can't afford any foggie-headed-ness. Though I wish I could snap my fingers and have all the secondary male characteristics, I have to say I am pretty happy with the changes that are happening so far which are as follows:

a tiny Adam's apple (more palpable than visible but there nonetheless)
lower voice (yet still being called ma'am sometimes in the drive through or on the phone)
8 whiskers on my upper lip (I am blond and have fine hair anyway so these darker, slightly course guys are reason to rejoice!)
a vague shadow of a happy trail below my belly button
Body fat redistribution (my hips and butt are shrinking while my chest and arms are bulking up resulting in a much more tapered look)
Growth "down under" (not as scary as I thought it would be)
Increased sex drive (17 year old boy)
Less cellulite on my thighs and butt (the typical 34 year old woman hail damage is almost completely gone)
Increased energy (used to need solid 8 hours of sleep, 5-6 works now)
face shape is changing a bit (maybe just since I am losing body fat)
Muskier scent
Increase in sweating
Oilier skin and thus, ACNE! (34 and using Clearasil- :\ )
Crazy appetite (hold on... gotta grab a PB&J)
Higher alcohol tolerance

The hot flashes have subsided, thankfully. I have now had 2 periods while on T... hoping that is the last of 'em. Only time will tell. Nothing like puberty AND menopause simultaneously.

I think that is all I can come up with right now... all good. I talked to my nurse about upping my dosage after the bar and that should be about the right timing- it usually is every 3 months or so. I am really hoping that by Sept. when I go on the cruise I am feeling buff and confident.

Father's Day
Father's Day this year brought an onslaught of emotions. It feels much more like I should be celebrating this day than Mother's day did. I felt awkward getting Mother's Day cards from my kids. I mean, I will always be their mother... the only mother they have, and I will cherish that experience... but it is so much more natural now to be male with them. I don't feel like I am trying to stretch to parent them. I am just being me.

And of course, there is my own father. We have not spoken since he sent me the email (see excerpt in "the response"). I struggled with what to do... should I send a card? Call? I decided to do neither. As one of my friends said, "If you are not his son, he is not your father." I am not really feeling bitter or vindictive, I just didn't have anything to say to him. And I don't want to perpetuate the family tradition of acting like everything is fine.

Yesterday I talked to my mom and she said my sister didn't call him either. He had a "sad" day. I don't know what is up with my sister but I think it is interesting that neither of us feel compelled to connect with him, even on the one day of the year specifically set aside to do so. Maybe cause we have learned the futility of the effort.

My mom also said my Dad would be willing to see me on "my turf." What the heck? He told me I could not go to his house dressed as male, but he will come here?!?!? And what, call me my birth-name and "girl" and "she" all the while? Just as he told me what the ground rules were for me being in his world, I think it is time I lay ground rules for him being in mine. If we are setting boundaries and making "demands" then, so be it. I will ask him to use male pronouns and at the very least use the male nickname I grew up with.

Transitioning is like...

As I have struggled to find a way to think about what is happening to me, my body, my heart, my spirit... the best analogy I can come up with is that transitioning is like moving to a new city. You finally got the chance to relocate to that place you had only visited before. That place you always wanted to live.

So, you get the chance and you take the plunge. You wrap up all your breakables, say goodbye to your friends, sell off most of your stuff cause you can't lug it all there with you. And you just want a fresh start. Then, you arrive. Some places are familiar. You go into the Target and it is still a Target like anywhere else. You see golden arches and people still drive on the right side of the road, etc. But, you aren't quite sure how those roads connect, where was that Mc'ie D's you saw before? And somehow that couch looks bigger in this new place. And you find a few of your things got broken in the move...maybe glue will fix 'em. But maybe not... it might be best just to let 'em go. And there are all sorts of new places to explore. Some of them are sunny and amazing and fun. Some of them are dark and shadowy and scary.

Some mornings you still wake up alarmed, unsure of where you are for just a nano-second. Then, you remember and wonder what the day will hold in this new place. You get up and go to make coffee. You open the fridge to get out the creamer and smile at the fresh, new, sparkling shelves that greet you. Then, you realize you forgot to get creamer... and you wonder if it is worth going out. You think about how you will get to the store, if you can remember. You might have to pull out a map or check the bus/subway schedule to figure it out. Maybe you can just run to the convenience store. Or, where was that McDonald's?

You think back, somewhat longingly about your old place. About the relative ease with which you navigated that city and those days. But you know that was then and this is now. And you know that was there and this is here. And here is where you belong. Even if it is harder for now. Lonely for now. Unfamiliar for now. This is what you wanted. Even if it is not what you expected.

I am sure, like setteling into a new city, that time will make things easier. I am sure eventually I will get dressed without giving thought to WHICH binder will work best or if my glasses feminize my face too much to pull em off with this outfit. I am sure eventually I will be able to go by a mirror and NOT stop to inspect my face for hairs or flex to compare to yesterday. I am sure that the voice that comes out of my mouth will not buck and crack and dart it's way through conversations, trying to sound one way to someone that hasn't gotten the memo and another way to try to pass. I hope that soon I can figure out how to arrange the things I have brought with me in a way that honors them, but in a way they can naturally blend into their new home. My new home. My new me.

I like this new city and this new city likes me... we just have a lot of getting to know each other to do so I can trust her. So, I can be home.

The Kids

B and Bk were just here for a little over 2 weeks. It was fun and amazing. I really enjoyed my time with them... maybe more than I ever have before. I took Ben to football camp at UT. That boy already bleeds burnt orange. It was so interesting watching the men with their sons. Watching the boys interact. I found myself getting goosebumps (I know, not very manly) and wishing I had had the opportunity to grunt and sweat and tackle when I was a boy. I do love football. I love the epic struggle, the proving ground. Oh, and Ben had fun, too. :)

Bk went to theater camp. We got to go see the production at the end of the week and it was great to see her light up. She loves acting and drama and the like. I am trying to figure out how to connect with her in that arena. I will say that relating to her as male has made me MUCH more comfortable with affection. Much more open to her physical closeness and she is one snuggly kid.

We swam a lot. I threw them around the pool, even though they are almost as tall as I am. Thank goodness for increased upper body strength courtesy of T. B has really started calling me "sir" and "boss" (rather than mom). He is loving being able to wrestle with me and our interaction seems open and natural now. Bk is having a little harder time. She is trying to figure out what to call me. She doesn't like "Boss". She thinks she needs something warmer. So, we will keep searching until something resonates with both of us. She did ask about coming to live with us next school year. That is a tough request as I am sure my ex will fight it... but we shall see.

In Conclusion

In conclusion I am very happy with where I am now. The transition has put a strain on my relationship with K, in that we are both trying to figure out the new city together. Sometimes we end up lost together, sometimes we get separated. But we keep working to find each other and we always do.

I feel guilty sometimes about all this. About this "mess" I have gotten us into. About not being what she signed up for. About asking so much of her. And it is hard to let her love me. To believe she is and will and does. I have to fight shutting down, walling off and running away. I get tired of being tired. I feel isolated and alone often... but usually that is because I have run down into a rabbit-hole or am standing there with my eyes squeezed shut.

I am looking for new outlets for social interaction... some new people that won't know I am trans and some new people (or reconnecting with old friends) that can provide safe, queer space. Feeding both of those parts of me is important. And I have come to realize that guys are hard to hang out with... since generally social stuff isn't so on their radar... I have joined a couple of meet up groups for adventure stuff (hiking kayaking, etc.) and am looking forward to meeting some new people through that.

For now, I got to get through the bar- 1 month and 3 days from now. Yikes! So, forgive my infrequent posts. And take the time to tell someone you believe in them today. You never know what they might have going on that you don't see. You never know who might need directions. You never know who might be lost in a new city.
Posted by transman at 4:36 PM 1 comments


THURSDAY, MAY 28, 2009
The Response

So, as I was writing the last blog, I got an email. From my Dad. He finally responded to my email to him from a month ago. I will paste the paragraph that basically says it all here:

I am reminded of the words of Paul as he describes God’s reaction to the sinfulness of the unregenerate part of humanity when he wrote, “Therefore God also gave them up to uncleanness, in the lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their bodies among themselves, who exchanged the truth of God for the lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever.” (Romans 1:24-25 NKJ) I feel that you have made your choices and moved so far beyond truth that I am unable to reach you.

He went on to say he is proud of me and loves me but cannot be part of my life if I chose this. Funny thing. I sure hope as a parent, I never condemn my children for being authentic. I did not chose to be TG. I did not chose this road. I have only chosen to make the best out of what I have been given, which to me means living the most real, authentic and genuine life I can. I have no idea what my ultimate purpose on this earth is, but I am sure I cannot attain it while hiding in fear, cowering to society's qualms or using my energy to stuff myself into a box composed of someone else's expectations.

The sum total of my current reaction to my Dad is, "Well shit. Bummer." And I don't mean to be dismissive about it... but it is what I expected and I have been around this block with him before. Our relationship has never been based on who I really am, even despite his efforts to look the other way. Or, perhaps, because of his efforts to look the other way. I keep thinking of the scene from Karate Kid where Mr. Miagi is teaching Daniel son to bow and Daniel bows and looks at the ground. Miagi smacks him on the head and says, "Look eye, Daniel son. Always look eye." I am not sure my Dad's eyes have ever met mine. There has been no mutual exchange of respect.

So many people tell me I am brave. But really, I am just stubborn. I am too stubborn to waste time once something becomes clear to me. I had a moment of clarity on this issue, and it made my childhood, my wounds and my pain suddenly make sense. It is so freeing not to have to pretend anymore. I cannot unlearn this. I cannot turn back. So, it is necessity, not courage that drives me forward.

I will say that over the last few weeks, the urgency surrounding my transition has wained a little for me. I think this is because 1) I have done all I can do for now and 2) the backlog of male energy now has somewhere to go. Living everyday as trans, presenting as male as I can (while waiting with tapping toes for the T to work its magic) has taken the edge off. I think it is like the tide has turned and is now pulling away from the shore instead of crashing into it. The waves are still there, still steady, but retreating systematically in a never ceasing cycle. I am sure the tide will turn again and I will have another push.

Sometimes this lack of force scares me a little and I wonder if I have made a mistake. And then I think about being A again, about being a girl again, and it takes me about .005 seconds to figure out I am right where I want to be.

I talked at group last week about how it is hard not to hypermasculinize to pass... I am a talkative person, which isn't a particularly male trait. Most guys are strong and silent types and wait to be engaged by another. Add my still girly voice to the mix and all my talking certainly undermines me. That makes me want to be quiet and reserved so I don't out myself. But, this is about being more of me so I hesitate to change that just to pass. I am also wary of becoming the "jerk". But it was nice to talk about it in group and hear them say it is natural to go through a little over compensation to pass while in this holding pattern. So, I am still trying to find my place in that regard. A place that will change over time, as my body changes, as I lose my learned feminine tenancies.

Right now the passing issue sucks. I think I pass about 85% of the time, unless I talk, then I'm down to about 15%. K and I were at McDonald's in Lampasses (small Tx town- where passing should be easier cause they aren't used to seeing butches too much) and I was initially addressed as "sir". Then, on our way out, the clerk, who I think was trying to make up for his "mistake" said, "you ladies have a safe trip." ugh. really?

It also frustrates me that I even care about that. I mean, really, who cares about what some pimple faced kid at McDonald's thinks or how he reads me? It is just amazing to me how much harder it is for me to deal with knowing I am a guy and people missing that than it was for the 34 years I thought of myself as a lesbo and called it good. The other day I snapped at K for saying something that "could" have outed me to in front of a store clerk. It is just so frustrating to care, especially enough to hurt someone who really loves me over something so small. Sigh.

That is another thing... I hate the term butch being applied to me. I really hate it. I always have. Don't really know why. I mean, it makes sense I would hate it now, but before I hated it. One time my friend told me I was a 100 footer (meaning you could tell I was lesbo at 100 feet). I couldn't argue but it bugged me. We discussed the whole butch thing and I told her then how much I hated that. So, now that I am PURPOSELY dressing as a man, stopped shaving my pits and legs and have a boy haircut, I could ONLY be considered a total butch if read as a woman. No bueno.

I started my new job at the County Atty's office. The bathroom thing sucks. It also sucks at the bar study classes. Many of the people there know me from before at law school, so going into the guys bathroom would be awkward, but I don't wanna go into the girls. So, i spend at least one of my breaks crossing the street to go to a convenience store, which mercifully has one, gender neutral bathroom.

Other than the bathroom thing, the CA's office has been pretty cool. I have no idea who there knows, other than my boss and her admin assistant. I don't care... as people are generally treating me as a guy, I think... whatever that means. I did have one older guy tell me yesterday (day 2) that he is glad I ditched my tie after day 1. I played it off telling him I just wanted to error on the side of overdressed till I got a feel for the office. He agreed that was safest and smartest. And we seemed to connect as dudes. And that felt really good. I don't think he knew I was really wearing a tie to try to minimize my androgyny.

I have an interview Monday with a firm. Keep your fingers crossed for me. I'll keep you all in the loop. And feel free to pass this link on to whomever you think might enjoy or benefit from it...and thanks for the smattering of supportive emails... you guys have no idea how nice it is to be accepted and encouraged in this endeavor. Especially when I have "one of those days."

Peace Out!
Posted by transman at 3:24 PM

MONDAY, MAY 25, 2009
3 weeks

So, here I am at 3 weeks on T. I have to say that the only real changes I am feeling are that my voice is dropping (I now sound like an ill smoker, though I am neither ill nor smoking), increased sex drive and increased appetite.
Posted by transman at 5:21 PM

WEDNESDAY, MAY 13, 2009
It's Official!

So, as I mentioned in my last blog... name change was going to be my next hurdle. So, yesterday I tried to get my fingerprints done before leaving town to go to my gd's memorial service (more on that later). I got up early enough but had trouble getting out of the house, exploded a bit on K, then apologized profusely and admitted my anxiety and finally got downtown to where the sheriff's dept was supposed to be doing "official" finger prints. Of course, they had moved but NOBODY updated the online info. So, I was told I could go to any DPS (driver's license) office... I wandered around downtown, looking for the one I remembered from when I registered to vote back in the fall. Couldn't find it... wandered around some more... finally! It is the regional DPS headquarters. BUT they don't do fingerprints there. Of course not. I have to go north, opposite of where I need to go to get to my gd's. So, I scrapped it.

I went on to SA for the memorial. I was, of course in my suit and tie. I went over to my Grandmother's and my mom, two aunts, and one uncle were there with my GM. I walked in, and everything seemed pretty normal. My GM said nothing at all about my suit and tie. Nobody said anything. Works for me. Later, my Dad showed up. Again, nothing was said. I guess in these situations my family's art of carefully walking around the giant elephant in the room (and the steaming pile of poo) can be helpful. My cousin (whom I hadn't told) showed up but didn't say anything either. I guess they are all used to me being kinda on the guy side dress wise. *shrug*

So, we all went up to the service and I just laid low. My mom wanted me to sit by her in the front row. My cousin took a picture of me and my Mom together (first one of "us" where I am me!) The service was really beautiful, moving but not awful. Just good. My Aunt, who knows about me as trans, even used my childhood nickname which is the male derivative of my old name (go figure) when listing the survivors. Very nice of her. There were a few awkward moments when my mom was trying to figure out how to say the equivalent of, "this is my daughter, A." But wasn't quite sure she should or could say, "this is my son, D" since many people there knew she only had daughters but other knew nothing at all... tough mix. One nice old lady watched me put the powder sugar covered sand tarts on the platter one by one and said, "If you get those on there with out getting that powdered sugar on your suit, you're a miracle man." That felt good. And apparently, I am a miracle man. :) Then, my cousin, the same one I haven't told, said... "Good job, food lady." UGH. really? Several times she referred to me as the granddaughter, girl, woman, chick. She didn't know... but there was really no time to explain...

Afterward, I was pretty drained but proceeded to help carry stuff and fit right in with the men in the family and those manly tasks of hauling, rearranging furniture, etc. It sure is nice not to have heels on! Then, we sat around my GM's for a while and talked about who was there, who sent which flowers, etc. We reviewed the pics my cousin took and when my mom saw the one of us together, she said, "What a nice picture, I think that is the best picture we have ever taken together!" I think it is the ONLY picture WE have ever taken together. And I think my mom just might be seeing me and that this is real. Good to be visible, finally.

So, then my mom and dad took us out to dinner and we joked around and it was as good, if not better than old times. My mom joked about calling me soughter (son+daughter) or something like that. My Dad just kept quite in that part of the convo but was good natured about it. Later he even flicked a runaway ice cube across Red Lobster! So, he was in a pretty good mood. Glad to get the ice broken before graduation! Who would have thought?

So, back to today. I went and got my fingerprints, filed the motion, got it signed by the judge all by 9:30 this morning! Then, I changed my bank accounts, social security card, school records, bar exam application, and filled out all the paper work for my new job! All as DMW, officially. Now, I don't' have to worry about being outed by my DL or my checks or bank account, etc. My new paychecks at my new job will be in my new name, etc. My id there won't be an issue, now. And everyone along the way was just incredibly helpful! The judge and court people were kind; the guy at the ss office was cool- he even asked if this would cause any trouble with my friends. I responded with, "most of them are like- 'It's about time!'" :) The lady at the school entered my info right then and there despite the stack of name changes in front of her about an inch thick. I snuck a peek at the top one and it was submitted a month ago! Hee hee!

So, long but productive day. I also worked 6 hours today at the office.

Other updates: I feel hungry - ALL THE TIME. I haven't noticed much else except being hot a lot and I think I am losing fat on my thighs.

I need to lock productive, happy days like today in my memory banks... so when days suck I can draw strength from the smiles of the people that have helped me (clerks, judges, etc.) and wished me luck on my journey.

The world is a little kinder than I expected it to be. . .and a little more evolved. I can't help but be grateful for the pioneers that went before me and all the other out trans/gay/lesbian/alter-anything people that have had the courage to be them, making it easier to be me.


Posted by transman at 3:23 PM 0 comments


MONDAY, MAY 11, 2009
one week

well, here i am one week post T. It has been a heck of a week. As I posted last time, right after my injection, I was totally pumped. Well, about 36 hours later that euphoria disapated and I was wondering if it would be worth it. I felt like I had taken the worste allergy medicine in the whole world. My head was achey and things seemed to get worse after my last post. I was foggy headed and tired. Feeling really frustrated. But I am still not sure what was the T and what was other factors.

Since then, things have leveled off physically but I have been struggling a bit emotionally. It just takes so much energy to face everyday full of hazards and funny looks. This morning I woke up, knowing that we (my boss an I) were going to Federal court today. Well, normally, this is cause for celebration. But, this morning, I was dreading it. At the fed ct house you have to show your id. I was worried about how my boss was going to introduce me to his co-counsel from out of town. My boss is pretty old and sometimes forgets names anyway, so i doubted his ability to remember my "new" name, despite my suit and tie.

I was so afraid we would be there, going through the metal detector and the gaurd would be like, hey! This isn't your id... this says female... what are you trying to pull? and then i pictured my boss introducing me as A. And the threat of this made my heart sink. I cried before I even got out of bed this morning. It was the first time in my short legal career that I have not been excited about going to court.

It all ended up fine...nobody said a word. I got sired and went later than my boss so no introductions were even attempted on anybody's part. Then, I just went back to my office and toiled away.

In other news, I got a kick butt tatoo. K is going to have to show me how to upload a photo onto the blog but I will get one up asap. It is a tribal sytlized version of the transgender symbol. I love it. It did not even hurt that much. and only felt like a sunburn the few days after.

I thought graduation was going to be my unveiling as D to my family, even though i have told them, seeing is believing... as it turns out, my grandfather died Sunday and his memorial service is t0morrow. I will be wearing a suit and tie. I am worried people will think i am being a jerk and self centered but the fact of the matter is that I only have guys clothes now. So, even if i did want to wear a girl suit, which I SOOOOO do not, I could not. And I could NEVER do make up and heels again. So, D it is. But it will be another day of anxiety and potential embarassment.

I have been feeling a lot of fear lately. I am worried that the T will not have effects I want and that I will still just look like a girl, or a little boy, in guys clothes when it is all said and done. I spent some time on You Tube today and that helped. Lots of trans guys on there look like a scrawny boy like me prior to T but most of them look great now. And for the most part, it only took a couple of months for voice and face changes to kick in.

Oh, my new job will now start on the 26. That is actually good, more chance for voice change before meeting everyone. and i checked into legal name change today and i think i am going to tackle that asap. I can get name change without gender change pretty quickly and for only a couple hundred bucks. So, first thing tomorrow, I am off to get fingerprints, etc. THe county i live in even had forms online, etc. So, it should be no problem. If I can get my name changed BEFORE graduation and the bar exam, then life will be easier down the line. I do want the gender change but I can hold off on that and more than likely take care of that myself later, too.

Next Monday bar exam review starts. UGH. No rest for the weary. But at least the end is in sight. As is the end of this blog entry... yawn. night night.
Posted by transman at 9:13 PM