Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Just Call Me Mr. T
So, Monday was T-day. I had my appt at the new clinic. At this point, I must say, "Thank you Ghetto Devil Woman!" This clinic is a gazillion (and yes, that is a technical term) times better than GDW's! When I made my appt, they were sensitive and took down the info they needed, being sure to have my preferred name. When I got there the waiting room was soothing, earthy colors with matching furniture and magazines galore! They had a huge, vaulted ceiling complete with puffy cloud things hanging from the "sky".
They called me back on time, WITH the right name and weighed and measured me... took my blood pressure, etc. Then I waited... the nurse practitioner was behind schedule so I sat there for about 15 minutes, mind spinning. I had no idea what to actually expect. Would I have my blood drawn? Was this just a consult? Would I actually get T today?

Well, she finally came in and she was just incredible! She started out just having a conversation with me about my process, she read my letter and we just chatted about me, T and options. Topical gel (which she didn't recommend), self injections, injections there, any combination. She said that Central Family Clinic was there for me and they wanted me to use the place however felt best to me. What a welcomed change! So, we ultimately decided on me coming in every 2 weeks for an injection. The fee is $10 and I can come anytime during walk in hours, no appt necessary! She said they love it when people do that because they get to see the results and offer lots of support. I like this idea.

Then, she said, well, today might be pushing it (it was after 4 already) but let me call the pharmacy and see if they have what you need on hand. If they do, you can run and pick it up, come back over and we will get you going! I said, "Don't you need to do a hormone level test?" She said, "I don't need a test. You have high estrogen and low testosterone and we wanna flip those!" I laughed and said, "alrightee then!". She will be doing cholesterol and liver function tests next time I am in, though.

She went on a little more about how much I am going to love the results and then called in the scrip. I raced over to the pharmacy (an independent place that accepts no insurance and sells scrips dirt cheap- like 20 bucks for generic z-pack) and got great service and a little vile of manhood. :) I carefully toted it back to the doc's office and wham! right into my left hip it goes! Just like that!

When I got back in my car, Free Falling was blastin' on the radio and I totally jammed out (just like Jerry McQuire- but don't' worry I am not as crazy as TC). I felt free and alive and SO EXCITED. Strangly, more so than winning the mock trial or the awards I got last week. I guess is feels bigger since it is something that will effect the future and is not just a culmination of the past.

So, last night I noticed my feet were swollen. Edema can be a side effect. That said, I did have a high sodium intake yesterday (mostly through sodas). I think I am gonna steer clear today. Also, my throat is sore. But allergies are raging here in ATX, so not sure I can really blame the T.

Emotionally, this is pretty much where I am at:

I also fear f'ing up my body.
i also fear alienating my kids.
i also fear them taking heat for my decisions.
i also fear getting the shit kicked out of my by some redneck weirdo
i also fear the financial burden.
i fear not liking the results and not being able to go back
i fear waking up one day and realizing i made a terrible mistake
i fear losing my grandparents.
never being able to feel comfortable at a family function again (not that i did before)
i fear being judged.
i fear be outed when it's not a good time or place.
i fear t not working
i fear losing myself
i fear zits.
i fear back hair
i fear a giant clitoris
i fear being seen as a freak
i fear losing jobs or job opportunities over this
i fear the top surgery leaving awful scars
i fear losing sensation in my nipples.
i fear being a fat ugly guy
i fear what is around the next corner.
i fear I will never be able to rest in who i am
I fear not being able to compete in team sports
I fear being left out of women's circles.
i fear being left out of the boys club
and really having nowhere to go.
no place to be.
i think that about covers it.
now that i am crying at my desk, again.


This is not a stop/start thing. I mean, sure, maiden form was a defining moment but I am still me. All my experiences (good and bad) will go with me. I have come to the conclusion that I can absorb A into D and be whole. Leaving A behind would put me in no better of a place than I was before. Denying part of myself. Which is NOT the point. I need A, I love A, I respect A and always will. So can she.

Oh, and I got this incredible card from a dear friend, the first person I told about my transition besides K. It was a "welcome to dude-hood" card. I am not sure if I get kicked out for crying when I red it. :/. Anyway, friends like that make the hard moments bearable and the good moment better!


-Mr. T. :)