The Day of Letters
So, I got my letter from my therapist yesterday that states that she agrees that me being on T is a good idea, of course in very technical terms. I was excited to get it and excited about my appointment this morning.
The excitement, however, was a little clouded by having to figure out when and how to tell my dad about all this. I had decided that him seeing my name in the program at graduation followed by him seeing me in a suit and tie wasn't the best way to go. So, I wrote him a letter. Well, an email. I thought that for those who might read this and be struggling with the same thing or those that are just walking with me through this journey, reading this might help you understand where I am at.
As of right now, we have called off all graduation activities. That makes me sad but I am glad my mom is still coming, at least. If it ends up being my mom, me and my kids celebrating afterward, then that will be good and special in its own way.
So, this is the email I sent my Dad. As of now, no response.
Subject: Here I Am
Dear Dad,
I have put a lot of time into trying to figure out when and how to tell you what is going on in my life right now. As I reflect on our relationship, I recognize that we have actually been through many phases together. Early on, I don't remember much- you worked, I grew up. Then, I got married and it seemed like we just drifted along without much foundation, without much connection. After the divorce and when I came out, it seemed like what little connection was there was strained, almost to the point of breaking completely. Then, on my 30th Thanksgiving, I tried to say what I felt needed to be said about me being me and you needing to give me the space to do that. Since then, on many occasions and in many ways you have been there for me, making an effort to engage and forge some relationship. But, of course, there is always the elephant in the living room. We have managed to figure out how to move around it and sometimes end up actually seeing each other, if even for just a second. Those moments often remind me of the few memories I have of us interacting during my childhood.
When I look back, I remember the soccer season you coached me and how good it felt to hear you tell everybody else to pass me the ball, cause I could get the goal. Then, I remember feeling sad when you had to start working Saturdays again and you stopped coaching us. Not only did we lose the rest of the games, but you were gone from my life again. I have some isolated memories of us trading punches until Mom made us stop, wresting, watching football, you teaching me how to change a tire, working out, playing racquetball, etc. I also remember learning from you that emotions are weakness.
Overall, I don't' feel like we had too much connection when I was younger. I do remember wanting your approval and always feeling inadequate to some degree. I recognize, however, that over the last 10 years or so, you have made considerable efforts to be more present, to tell me and show me that you love me and are proud of me. I also know that many things in my life have been hard for you to understand. I know that some of the things that you see as "choices" seem like mistakes to you and even sin. Being a parent myself, I understand how you could feel sad, angry, responsible and terrified when you look at my life in the context of your faith system, world view and life experiences.
Mostly, we have ended up in the place we are now- which I think we might both classify as "connect where you can and otherwise agree to disagree." It may or may not come as a surprise to you that there are some things about the way you life your life, some of the choices that you make, that I would not make for myself. I am certainly aware that some aspects of my life are disagreeable to you.
But, I think while the "let's just not talk about it" approach is a pretty good way to avoid immediate conflicts, I also feel it paralyzes our relationship and prevents us from knowing, understanding and respecting each other. When I stop and think about it, I really don't know you at all. and I don't' feel like you know me at all. Which brings me to an admission about myself- I am really just starting to get to know me. And I wonder if you feel like you know yourself. I do know that other people cannot know us, they cannot see us until we know and see ourselves.
Over the last few years I have been doing a tremendous amount of work on myself. I have peeled back layer after layer of experiences, feelings, thoughts and beliefs. I have spent a significant amount of time in therapy, getting help with this arduous task. And now, I have come to a realization, I have seen something about myself that I feel I must share with you if there is any chance that you will see and know me.
I am sure it has not escaped you that I was never a "normal girl." I do not and have never felt comfortable in what society defines as female space. In short, I have realized that I, on the inside, am male. That is how I relate to the world and that is how I want the world to relate to me.
I have already begun shifting in my educational and social circles. My friends are addressing me as "D" at my request and they refer to me as "he". I actually have been presenting male (introducing myself as D, wearing a suit and tie, etc.) for about a month now. I am experiencing a comfort and confidence I have never felt before. I competed in the mock trial as D, and not only won but got best advocate. I got my new job as D (of course the employer knows my legal name and background and they are supportive). B and B know and we are committed to openly communicating about this and finding a space for our unique family together. They have questions but the one thing I want to teach them is to be authentic, despite the possible social sacrifices. I want them to understand that real friends (and with luck, family) will let you find yourself, let you be yourself and love you unconditionally every step of the way.
Although I know this is crazy and probably difficult for you, the truth is, I have always felt more like your son than your daughter. And I say that not as a comment on your parenting but as a comment on my internal experience. This is not a reflection of you or anything you have or have not done. I do not believe it is a reflection of any failure or shortcoming on your part.
If you think about our interactions, the times that we connected they fall, without exception, into a father-son category. The moments that we tried to be father daughter- like that dance we went to or my wedding- just felt awkward. They felt very wrong to me.
The bottom line is that as I embrace this part of me, I would like to have a father. I would like to learn some things from you. I would like to get to know you and finally feel like you know me, like you see me.
I am willing to talk about this, from a sharing my experience perspective (but much less so from any place of trying to fix me or talk me out of it, etc.). I am willing to try to claim our relationship. I do not even want to try to guess what might be going through your mind right now and I understand if you need time to process. Even if that means you decide not to be at graduation where I will be wearing a suit and tie and be announced as D.
Son or daughter- really I am just me and I hope you can come and celebrate my accomplishments as a PERSON. I did not want this to be a public surprise and I also wanted to take a step out onto the wobbly bridge that connects where you stand and where I stand in hopes of someday meeting in the middle.
I love you. I need you, Dad. Now, more than ever.
-D.
So, that was it. I didn't cry when I wrote it but I cried when I read it out loud to K. It is so hard to reach out to him, knowing I will most likely be rejected completely. Mom has told be several times that I am going to lose my Dad over this. I guess I just figure that I'd rather walk through the fire for a 1% chance at a real relationship with my Dad then continue to be dancing around the elephant, our relationship paralyzed by the unspoken.
People say I am brave. Really, I just feel like I don't have any options in my life. Live out loud or you are not living at all.
K's gonna tell you all about our adventures with the doc this morning. That should lighten the mood a bit. That's all for now.
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