Yesterday was three weeks since "the fateful trip to maidenform." I really can't believe it has only been three weeks. Things are moving so fast but not fast enough all at the same time. It feels like I have been climbing this mountain forever. I am already tired and the adrenaline rush is wearing off. The feelings of liberation and relief are giving way, on some levels, to frustration and the reality of living day to day as trans. The effort and hassle of trying to pass when you don't have T, you don't have secondary sex characteristics and you mostly interact with people who knew you before is heavy.
I got up this morning, my first chance to sleep in a couple of weeks, and I took the dog out for a walk. We met some new neighbors and I hated that I wasn't bound, wasn't packing, had done nothing to pass. My voice still sounds like a girl. I am an alto, so it's pretty low for a girl, but still not a guy. No Adams apple, post child-bering hips/ass. Jeez. Sometimes I wonder who I am kidding. I mean, really, who is going to take me seriously as a man? I can't get my hands on that T fast enough. My therapist, H, said she will have the letter of rec ready for me by the 29th. That is only 11 days from now but it seems like a year.
I actually had a dream last night about getting my first injection. I think that is the first dream I have had where I am clearly my new actualized self. It made me happy when I woke up and realized my psychie is making progress.
For a while, I accidentally outed myself by forgetting to use my new name in a tense situation or referring to myself as she. The first phone call I got from someone whom I didn't know, who asked for D, i responded with "this is she." Then wanted to crawl under my desk. I felt like I was blowing it. That kinda thing hasn't happened in a while and maybe that is why other people's pronoun mistakes are bothering me more now. . . I am adjusting and getting comfortable in my new space and realizing how uncomforable I was in my old space. So, though I realize people need grace and time to adjust, it does sting and remind me of how it felt there. I don't have anyone in my life right now that is mean or intentionally being an ass about it, so it is always an honest mistake... and I don't take it personally as an attack... it just brings phantom pains like those I imagine an amputated limb might feel.
I feel sad today. For a long time, I didn't do emotions. I stuffed 'em. For a couple of reasons. First, I was taught that emotions are weakness and second, I was afraid of them- they feel like being out of control. Today, I feel that grinding in my chest that tells me something is there. My patience with the dog is short, I feel like screaming or hitting something. H says this is when I need to find a "healthy way" to let it out a little bit at a time. Normally, I would go for a run or go work out. But being in public takes energy that I feel like I don't have today. I just want to be left alone. So, going to the work out room, etc. means "suiting up" and that is annoying.
I told H in a session a month or so ago that I was afraid of the "monster" that was inside me. Turns out it was the little boy who felt ignored and trapped. I need to take care of him so he isn't scared and betrayed. But everytime I look in the mirror, he takes a hit. I try to assure him that I am working on it, on letting him out, on making him a safe place to run and play. But he is shy. So many years of being told to go away, to disappear, that he is worthlessand wrong for existing make him pretty skeptical. Understandably so.
He feels safe in a suit and tie. Until someone calls him "she." He feels safe with a couple of friends, like KH, CF, PC.
The he, of course, is me. But it is strange to go back and try to heal that little boy. I look forward to (but am terriffied) of watching him grow up, of watching me grow up. I feel like a preteen who can't wait to be a "man." But I have a lot to learn. And my body has a lot of changing to do. I am beginning to recognize how much pressure having the power or being male in our socieity carries with it. I don't know how any guy who hasn't lived as a woman can help but be a jerk. I know a few guys who are really great, who understand the place they hold and who hold it with respect and dignity, integrity and character. They make the people around them feel like gold. They look you in the eye and you feel their strength as something that propells you forward, it is reassuring and inspiring. Never intimidating or demeaning.
That is the kind of man I hope I can grow up to be.
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