looking ahead in my rearview mirror
So, there are a lot of things coming up for me...
3 months and 5 days till the bar exam
43 days till our 1 year anniversary
42 days till my kids come for their summer vacation
30 days till graduation
30 days till family (most of whom don't know) and Friend (all of whom know) collide
25 days till my directed research hours are due
24 days till the 6 day a week law review classes start. I am an administrator as well as a student.
18 days till my final research paper is due
7 days till the Advocacy Awards banquet where I will be announced/listed as D in front of a couple hundred people; I am out to about 20 of them.
7 days till I start my new job- as D.
6 days till I get my letter for T from my therapist.
5 days till a 20 pager on White Collar Crime is due- which I haven't started. shhh.
1 day till my daughter turns 11
1 day till mock trial finals, as D.
Somewhere in there I will start T.
Somewhere in there I will have to talk to my father about all this.
No wonder I feel a bit stressed. . .
Seriously, though. I had my first apt with H as a private practice patient. It went very well. She asked me what I wanted to accomplish... I said, "I want to do whatever I need to do with this whole grief thing. I want to get it dealt with." To which she responded with a smirk... "well, that is your male tendency coming out... unfortunately, you can't just package up the emotions, especially grief and put them in a nice little box, all dealt with." I sighed and asked jokingly, then what am I paying you for?
The cloud I was under when I wrote my last post was definitely grief. It is weird to be so divided. I am thrilled to be moving forward but sad, too. Letting D out means on many, many levels saying goodbye to A. And I like A. She was a strong, amazing woman who acted as a fierce warrior and protector not only for B and B but also for D. She kept him safe untill now, when it is time for him to take over... to grow up and take care of himself.
She is smart and funny. D has learned so much from her. And I hope, as D, I can carry forward the amazing character that A forged. I hope, as D, I honor A and the blood, sweat and tears she shed for him. I will draw from her strength and handle the gift of life she has given me with care and gratitude. So much of saying goodbye to someone you love is picking the pieces to hold on to and burning the memory of the most cherished moments onto your heart.
I'll miss her, but I know she'll be there when I need her- just like always.
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