Tuesday, April 7, 2009
In vs. Out
I will say that I thought my social comfort and ease was due to my own personality. There wasn't a crowd, except maybe the uber-Christian-stay-at-homers, that I couldn't find a place in. I even had a connection with the uber-moms, because I stayed at home with my own children for two years and was raised Southern Baptist. In a group of women, generally, as a lesbian, I fit. I was edgy and a champion of women's rights etc. by default. With the guys I was good, because I could talk sports, girls, etc. and never miss a beat.

Now that I have identified myself as male, I feel my own sense of outsiderness, even in groups where I had never thought about being female as a central part of the camaraderie. I suddenly feel like an intruder in my women's soccer league. I feel less connected, despite not having come out to the majority of them. I found myself not initiating conversation, a little more standoffish, more of an observer. I feel now, when in a group of women, like I am on an island.

In my Feminist Theory class, I find it to be somewhat the same. Although I will say in Fem. Theory, when a lot of people share narratives about their experiences "as women", I already had a seat outside of the circle. That being said, now I think I'm a little further removed, or it feels that way from inside of me. Maybe it's like seeing something in your side mirror. "Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear". Maybe when looking through the lens of me = woman, I appeared closer, and now without the skew of reflective curvature, I realize I'm not so close after all.

In all fairness, I remember feeling this way when I first came out, too. I was constantly aware of my sexuality and after I altered my appearance (i.e. cut my hair) I was always wondering if people "knew", if they could "tell". So, I expect with time this will disappate, and I will ease into longer periods of time between conscious thoughts about my gender.

Last week, my neighbor had invited us to her apartment for happy hour. We accepted, and then later got an email that said it was a "girls only" happy hour. I hadn't come out to my neighbor, but knew she wouldn't have a problem. Nonetheless, I felt really weird about going without some preface. It was strange to me that participating in a women's event somehow seemed like I was being untrue to myself. The idea of wearing makeup or heels, a woman's suit, etc. (all of which I was doing regularly until about two weeks ago) makes me shudder.

Yesterday I was talking a school administrator about my name change, and the issues surrounding graduation, etc. She told me they had to use my legal name. I teared up as I tried to picture being A. - who I was before - of donning heels, makeup, etc. again. It surprised me how strong and how quickly feelings of invalidation and shame welled up, as I tried to picture myself going "back". I told her with a shaky voice, "I can't go back. I won't go back." She assured me I could dress any way I wanted, but the documentation had to follow the course of my legal name. She suggested we drop a footnote in the program for the awards ceremony to explain that D. was "A." in case anyone was confused.

Sadly, I honestly believe she was oblivious to the insensitivity of this suggestion.
Other changes:

1. Compelled to take better care of my body (drink more water, take vitamins, etc.
2. Disdain for breasts lessening. They seem more like a temporary inconvenience than a permanent curse.