Taking the Easy Way Out

"Anything worth having is worth working for." "No pain, no gain." "Blood, sweat and tears."

All of these sayings once resonated with me. Something about how I was raised, or how I am programed, lead me to believe that things have to be hard. Something lead to me to believe that success can and will only come at great personal sacrifice. There is something about blood, sweat and tears that sounds so very deserving, so noble, so honorable.

It has only recently occurred to me that things don't always have to be hard. It has only recently occurred to me that one can ride the flow of the energy and opportunities present in life, rather than fight against them.

Funny thing. I remember about 10 years ago I had this revelation that I had just been going with the flow of life, but not in a relaxed purposeful way. I saw myself as a leaf floating down a stream. I just took the path of least resistance. Which lead to living as a heterosexual female, getting married, having kids, leading women's bible studies, etc. Then, when the dynamic with my ex husband reached a level of dysfunction that I could no longer justify keeping my children in such a household, I begin to gather the strength to push back.

It was at this point that I first admitted my attraction to, and feelings for women. It was at this point, I walked away from being a wife. It wasn't until much later that I would walk away from being a woman, daughter, sister and girlfriend.

So, the pendulum swung. From taking the path of least resistance, to fighting with every breath, kicking down doors, generally leaving destruction in my wake and carrying forward scars and wounds from all the battles. And now, I realize I have battled hard and long enough. I have found safe ground. I have sanctuary here. I can work steadily towards my future, allowing myself to take detours when necessary, stop for breaks when I need them and store up health and well being so that when the need arises to bust through the barricades, rather than take the detour, I can do so.

It's funny how after years of fighting, I just kinda got in the habit of being in defensive posture. I got to where I PUT myself in stressful situations, because it was familiar and comfortable. I made it hard... but maybe that was all just training so my fightin' muscles would be ready for the big one of the last year and a half.

It is something people tried to tell me, "Just relax!"

But I honestly didn't know how. I had submitted to having no control. Then, I realized I could take control and I tried to take ALL the control. Now, I realize there is a middle ground. I can control myself. And that's about it. So, now I plan to do what I can to put myself in the best possible position to learn and grow and LIVE. Everything else, well, that's really not my problem, not my business and not mine to carry. (NOT as easy to do as to say...I will blog more about figuring out how to do this in regards to my transition and gender).

Funny how people always say how brave I am to transition. But as it turns out, this has been one of the least painful times in my life. And who knew you could just go along livin' and laughin' and takin' it as it comes? Who knew the hardest thing I'd ever had to do would prove to be the "easy" way out?