Cutting Edge

So, it's been a while since I updated this blog. There are a lot of reasons for that. But mostly it's that I am at a place in my transition where not much seems to be changing or going on. Or at least I had been.

I have known for a very long time that one step I wanted to take with my transition is to have "top surgery". Meaning, to have my breasts removed. There are several different procedures available depending on your circumstances but the most common and the one fitting for my body type is a double incision mastectomy. This surgery is not entirely unlike a mastectomy used for cancer treatment, but then again, it is quiet different. This surgery does not include removing the lyphnodes and it is performed by a plastic surgeon whose end goal is to leave a male chest. In order to accomplish this, they make two large incisions under the breast but at the base of the pectoral muscle and remove the breast tissue. They remove the nipple. They make a second incision on top of the breast but at the base of the pectoral muscle. Then they resize the nipple and eventually graft it back on to where a male nipple would normally be. My doctor has perfected a way to do this without having to use drains.

Normal recovery time is about a week of fairly limited mobility in the upper body followed by a slow progression back to normal. The main thing is you don't want to stretch the incisions be lifting your arms too high or too far away from your body. The more rest and healing before taxing those freshly knit tissues, the better the scars heal and the less apparent they are. My stomach and chest have actually spouted a fair amount of darkish hair, so that should help some too.

This whole procedure costs about $6,000 and is not covered by insurance. This procedure is considered "cosmetic and elective" despite the fact that it is listed as a necessary procedure under standards of care for gender dysphoria disorder. Very annoying. But that being said, I have had to wait to gather the funds. Many guys borrow the money but with being fresh out of law school and upside down in my income to debt ratio, loans were not possible for me.

I also felt like when I had the money together, I'd know I was ready and it was time. It was kind of my own check and balance. So, after working extra jobs, skimping, moving to a smaller apartment, giving up my blackberry, living without cable or internet at home and committing to drive (a very cool yet) older car with 180k miles on it, I have done it. I have the money.

One part of all this that it is hard for me to put myself first. And to spend that kind of money on me when I have so much debt, educational, personal and consumer, seems kinda crazy. BUT then my ex sued me for more child support. Well, that actually made me realize that this needs to get done and get done now. It made me realize how absolutely uncomfortable I am in this body and how my confidence and sense of self is seriously compromised.

I tried to picture showing up in a West Texas court and appearing as my children's mother with my body as is. Now, since this is not an illustrated blog let me explain, I am a man. I look like a man. I sound like a man. I am 5'6" and weight 175 with broad shoulders, a square jaw and a deep voice. No one ever calls me ma'am or she anymore (except my family members who are still dredging through 3 decades of speech patterns, neuro connections, memories and their own grieving processes). So, the thought of standing there in a courtroom, representing myself and being addressed as a female in THIS body as it is... just seemed completely impossible. It would just be too much. But when I picture myself there post surgery.. it's like a layer of armor. My body congruent with my mind and my own awareness that I can hold my space. Hard to explain.

So, here I am. One week from surgery. Processing daily. What started out as a vague awareness turned to a hope. Then a need. Then a consultation. Savings account growing all the while. Then a surgery date. And in one week... reality.