Let Freedom Ring

So, I have had my kids here with me for summer visitation for the last few weeks. I have absolutely loved spending time with them. It is interesting, though, how watching each of them enter puberty, I have such strange and contrasting emotions.

My son is 13 now and is taller than me. His body is growing both in size and strength. I am jealous of his opportunity to swim and hang around without a shirt on. I found myself feeling jealous of his body. I felt jealous of him once before, when I took him to football camp last summer. Seeing him get to have all the things I always wanted when I was his age, all the things I was told I couldn't have or experience, is a strange thing to sort through. It feels, somehow, wrong to be jealous of my kid and his "normal" life. I feel angry sometimes that I wasn't given that chance. I feel angry that now, at 35, my body will never be the lean and naturally muscular body of a young man. I skipped right to middle aged. :(

On a side note, I will say that one of my concerns was whether or not I'd be able to keep up with cisguys in sports and recreational settings. Last weekend we were down at the pool and a water volleyball game broke out. I am happy to say, I did just fine. I easily kept up with the cisguys that were there and even managed to be one of the better players. That felt good. Affirming. Right.

But, I digress. My daughter is also here this summer. She is 12. And while here, she has entered her journey into "woman-hood". It was strange, understandable and a little painful that when she discovered her first cycle had begun, she went to my girlfriend. Now, my GF is awesome. And she handled it beautifully. She took her to the store and explained all the options and products, etc. I have to say I was a bit relieved not to have to navigate that but also, I felt a little sad. I felt like this was proof that I had lost some measure of the "mother-daughter" connection. BUT is also meant that she sees me as a man. BUT... not quite her Dad. Such a strange landscape.

And the exact opposite emotions that I had about my son's coming of age bubbled to the surface. For many transguys, puberty is the hardest part... it's the undeniable moment when you know you cannot get out of being a girl. Your body is rebelling against your heart and mind. And there is nothing you can do to stop it.

I spent the better part of my adolescents in deep depression. Though I didn't even know that is what it was. There was a close brush with death/suicide. There were endless nights of tears and pent up anger. There was a deep confusion and frustration. I couldn't figure out why I was felt so misunderstood, so alone, so "wrong".

It has given me a lot to think about. It has given me a lot to deal with.

And a lot to be grateful for... in that my own kids seem to fall pretty well within the "normal" range as far as gender is concerned. And though they have to fight the battle of having a transparent... at least they will never have to feel what I have felt... at least they are in the right bodies and able to embrace who they are every moment of the day. At least they know that. At least they are free.

And finding freedom is what coming of age is all about. I should know.