The Lonely Road

So, the holidays inevitably bring up a desire for "coupledom". Nobody LIKES to not have a significant other during this time of year. I swear, if I had to sit through one more sappy jewelry commercial, I think I might have puked. Now, if I make it through New Year's I get a brief reprieve until the dreaded Valentine's Day. But even then, Valentine's is just a day this whole Thanksgiving to New Year's stretch is brutal.

In light of this, I think it is understandable why I would be spending a lot of time thinking about relationships. It is no secret that this has not been my strongest area in life. I am no doubt a serial monogamist. I have had three serious relationships, all lasting in the 4-5 year range and, most recently, a one year relationship. But, alas, the "one" evades me.

And now, it seems like it will be harder than ever. The one year relationship ended for lots of complicated reasons, but my transition was not the least of it. As it turned out, I am now "not the person [she] fell in love with". Of course, this monumental shift can occur in life for many reasons, but in my case a "gender shift" was pretty central. Anyway, then I dated a straight woman a few times, who on my disclosure of my status completely pulled away and wanted nothing to do with me romantically because I am a "woman" (that's what she said). Then, I met this really great woman at a neighbor's game night. She identifies as lesbian- we hit it off but SHE isn't interested because I am a man. As it turns out, I think I am that "really nice guy" that everybody thinks is a wonderful friend but nobody really wants to be with.

Then you get the ones like the bimbo at my work who are probably just looking for an "adventure". It was clear to me that she was not interested in ME, but just the novelty of it. [I do have to admit that after the GOLD STAR post, she called me several times and one of those conversations got rather "intense", if you know what I mean. She asked me what I wanted to do to her and proceeded to describe several intimate acts...I gave in to it. Then, the next time she called when she started talking about back rubs, etc. I told her she needed a good chiropractor. She wasn't amused. She also had the nerve to ask me if I had any rich trans friends. Yikes. End of that. And I think I got demoted to a bronze star.]

I have heard people say they are not dating, not interested in a relationship, etc. but I don't really understand this. I WANT a relationship. I WANT to love and be loved. I'll admit it. Now, I do not want to repeat the same cycle of meet, get attached at the hip, move in, dredged through 4-5 years (or even a year) of trying to 'make it work'. So, I am trying to figure out how to break that cycle.

I know I have work to do on myself. I know there are several things better accomplished BEFORE I get back into something serious. And I know that a first date is always where it starts so dating at all is kinda inviting attachment. Not to mention the fact that I am not so sure I am up to rejection at this point. I have to admit, I am pretty frail in a sense, when it comes to this.

I am also learning that you can love people deeply as friends and nothing more ever has to happen. Which leads me to the question of, "How do you know?" How do you know when a really good friendship "should be" something more? I mean I have one friend in particular who I have an awesome relationship with and there is a measure of sexual tension but she lives in another state, so we are both perfectly aware that friendship is where it will stay. And I think we are both grateful for that- a deep connection uncluttered with physical or romantic trappings.

So, I guess for now... even though I might have "feelings" for people in my life I need to deal with those feelings like I do my out-of-state friend. And just know that right now, it ain't gonna happen. Cause I have things to take care of. Is a checklist in order... like I REFUSE to be romantically involved until these things are accomplished? And what about the genuine need for physical (and sexual) attention in the meantime? Because we are talking about a list that would take a year to really accomplish. sigh.

And I am not getting any younger here, people. I am starting to feel like life is passing me by. And it makes me angry that I had to spend 35 years getting to this place where I can finally be me. It makes me angry that I had this huge f'in hurdle to clear before I could even really have a shot at happiness. And it makes me feel like I am playing catch up. And I hate playing catch up.

At the end of the day it seems all I can do is put one foot in front of the other and hope I don't derail myself in the process. I want my road to be straight and narrow, and short... I want to be at the destination- NOW! But I know that is not what life is about, it isn't about the end- the end is actually the boring part. And I really don't think I'd mind the long, windy road so much if I had some company, cause it sure is lonely out here.