The Lonely Road

So, the holidays inevitably bring up a desire for "coupledom". Nobody LIKES to not have a significant other during this time of year. I swear, if I had to sit through one more sappy jewelry commercial, I think I might have puked. Now, if I make it through New Year's I get a brief reprieve until the dreaded Valentine's Day. But even then, Valentine's is just a day this whole Thanksgiving to New Year's stretch is brutal.

In light of this, I think it is understandable why I would be spending a lot of time thinking about relationships. It is no secret that this has not been my strongest area in life. I am no doubt a serial monogamist. I have had three serious relationships, all lasting in the 4-5 year range and, most recently, a one year relationship. But, alas, the "one" evades me.

And now, it seems like it will be harder than ever. The one year relationship ended for lots of complicated reasons, but my transition was not the least of it. As it turned out, I am now "not the person [she] fell in love with". Of course, this monumental shift can occur in life for many reasons, but in my case a "gender shift" was pretty central. Anyway, then I dated a straight woman a few times, who on my disclosure of my status completely pulled away and wanted nothing to do with me romantically because I am a "woman" (that's what she said). Then, I met this really great woman at a neighbor's game night. She identifies as lesbian- we hit it off but SHE isn't interested because I am a man. As it turns out, I think I am that "really nice guy" that everybody thinks is a wonderful friend but nobody really wants to be with.

Then you get the ones like the bimbo at my work who are probably just looking for an "adventure". It was clear to me that she was not interested in ME, but just the novelty of it. [I do have to admit that after the GOLD STAR post, she called me several times and one of those conversations got rather "intense", if you know what I mean. She asked me what I wanted to do to her and proceeded to describe several intimate acts...I gave in to it. Then, the next time she called when she started talking about back rubs, etc. I told her she needed a good chiropractor. She wasn't amused. She also had the nerve to ask me if I had any rich trans friends. Yikes. End of that. And I think I got demoted to a bronze star.]

I have heard people say they are not dating, not interested in a relationship, etc. but I don't really understand this. I WANT a relationship. I WANT to love and be loved. I'll admit it. Now, I do not want to repeat the same cycle of meet, get attached at the hip, move in, dredged through 4-5 years (or even a year) of trying to 'make it work'. So, I am trying to figure out how to break that cycle.

I know I have work to do on myself. I know there are several things better accomplished BEFORE I get back into something serious. And I know that a first date is always where it starts so dating at all is kinda inviting attachment. Not to mention the fact that I am not so sure I am up to rejection at this point. I have to admit, I am pretty frail in a sense, when it comes to this.

I am also learning that you can love people deeply as friends and nothing more ever has to happen. Which leads me to the question of, "How do you know?" How do you know when a really good friendship "should be" something more? I mean I have one friend in particular who I have an awesome relationship with and there is a measure of sexual tension but she lives in another state, so we are both perfectly aware that friendship is where it will stay. And I think we are both grateful for that- a deep connection uncluttered with physical or romantic trappings.

So, I guess for now... even though I might have "feelings" for people in my life I need to deal with those feelings like I do my out-of-state friend. And just know that right now, it ain't gonna happen. Cause I have things to take care of. Is a checklist in order... like I REFUSE to be romantically involved until these things are accomplished? And what about the genuine need for physical (and sexual) attention in the meantime? Because we are talking about a list that would take a year to really accomplish. sigh.

And I am not getting any younger here, people. I am starting to feel like life is passing me by. And it makes me angry that I had to spend 35 years getting to this place where I can finally be me. It makes me angry that I had this huge f'in hurdle to clear before I could even really have a shot at happiness. And it makes me feel like I am playing catch up. And I hate playing catch up.

At the end of the day it seems all I can do is put one foot in front of the other and hope I don't derail myself in the process. I want my road to be straight and narrow, and short... I want to be at the destination- NOW! But I know that is not what life is about, it isn't about the end- the end is actually the boring part. And I really don't think I'd mind the long, windy road so much if I had some company, cause it sure is lonely out here.

Gold Star

So, there is this super hot girl at work. She has long blonde hair, tan, skinny, dresses in that professional yet slutty kind of way. Super sexy in a purely superficial way. She is a Barbi doll type, nails, hair, the whole nine yards.

Well, last week she started hitting on me. Shamelessly. I mean very very forward messages through IM about "making it hard" and "needing a massage" and "needing to stretch" etc. Asking me to sit by her at the Christmas luncheon and "cum" over to her desk. Seriously, I am not making this up.

Well, naturally my ego enjoyed this onslaught of attention from a girl any man at this office has looked at least twice at. I have to say that this girl is also classic in that she is either genuinely dumb or just thinks that is cute. Not sure which. So, as our interactions progressed, I became less and less attracted to her due to her lack of intelligence, though I still got sweaty palms when she wanted to go to the parking garage on a "break" with me.

I could feel all the blood draining from my brain and rushing to other areas if you know what I mean. Anyway, I also know that these exchanges on facebook chat, at work, on a work computer are dangerous. So, I told her we could talk after work, get a drink, whatever but couldn't have this conversation at work.

She asked a few questions about my "status" because of office rumors and was fine with things... which also was very validating. Having completely straight women come on to you is so nice and affirming when new to the hetero club.

Anyway, she got mad that I would not play her games or respond to her beckoning and told me I was being paranoid and "retarded" (which made me laugh considering her incredibly low IQ, or appearance thereof). Several times while talking to her, I had to stop and explain what a word I had used meant. Really?

So, she pouted, then threatened... then deleted me. :)

Many of my guy friends are like, "Dude! What are you doing? Tap that!" but I know that every time I decide how to react to something like that, I am defining myself. I am deciding what kind of man I want to be. And to a small degree what kind of world I want my daughter to grow up in. And probably staying employed, too. :)

Anyway- I have wiped the drool from my chin and am standing slightly more upright now.

Gold Star.

Genisus, of Sorts

So, talking to my sister over Thanksgiving, I realized that in copying important pieces of my old blog which was co-written with my ex-girlfriend, I never copied over the story about that moment in time when I realized I was trans- I mean really realized. So, here you go. This is told from my ex-girlfriend's perspective so the "me" is her and I am "D".

me: Well, it all started when we went shopping at the Round Rock outlets about a week and a half ago.
:P

me: We went into Maidenform because she was complaining that she couldn't wear a tight t-shirt because of the sportsbra uniboob effect.
So I understood her request as: find me a regular bra that doesn't have underwires and is comfortable.
Found it, went into the dressingroom and tried it on. It fit beautifully.
But, as I was looking at her reflection in the mirror, I noticed her face was not pleased.
In fact, it was kind of disgusted and wholly uncomfortable.
She said, "They look like frikken cones!".
I think it'd been forever since she'd really looked at herself in the mirror wearing a real bra.
"That's how they're supposed to look," I said.
"I have to take this off," she said, and she did, and threw her clothes back on.
Then we kind of just sat in the dressing room and stared at each other.
And I saw it in her eyes.
I don't know how, but I did.
And I said, "You don't have to wear this."
And she said, "I really wish I didn't have boobs at all. I wish I could just get rid of them."
"I hate them," she said,
And then she seemed surprised at herself for saying it out loud. Like, women can be annoyed at their boobs, but hate them entirely? That's kind of taboo.
I mean, what does that mean? When you say that? This was the thought that was running through my head.
So we had a conversation that seemed to last about three days off and on.
About her past, and how she's always felt not just masculine inside, but fundamentally male.
At one point after the bra epiphany on the way home, she said, "I wish I could just snap my fingers and be a boy. If it was that easy, I'd do it."
"That's telling," I said.
And then we were off...on the twisty path of transitioning...

6 month update

So, it has been 6 months on T now. I figured you might be wondering about any recent physical changes. Well, at this point, I think my body weight has stabilized,though I am continuing to see a shift in the body fat distribution. I have very little extra weight in my thighs but have to be careful about getting that spare tire thing going.

I recently purchased a pull up bar that mounts in my door frame and have been doing pull-ups (which I have never been able to do before). I am amazed at how quickly my shoulders have bulked up and my abs are tightening up. My body has always responded quickly to exercise but I could have worked out like a maniac before and never gotten this buff. It is certainly nice to finally be getting that tapered look. Thanks to my hips, which due to childbirth will never be slender, I still look pretty stocky. But that is fine. I will say that more muscle in my pecs makes binding even less comfortable. But overall, it is worth the trade off for the increased bulk.

I now have sparse but present whiskers on either side of my chin and upper lip. Not nearly enough to see from any distance or grow as "facial hair" but they are there, some blonde, some black. I shave every other day or so to avoid it being so obvious that there is so little there. I am not sure my Irish/Native American blood is helping much.

I have full on body hair now that has gotten to the point that I manscape pretty regularly. My belly has hair all over it, my upper thighs too. My arm hair is darker and thicker but not curly or anything.

My face has continued to square off. I actually pulled out some old pics of me a couple of my trans buddies were over and we were all amazed by the difference. PC said he couldn't believe that was me- even though he first met me pre-T. My neck has thickened up and this helps tremendously.

My voice has dropped a TON. I never get ma'am'ed or ms.'d on the phone anymore, which is so nice. It is to the point now where people are voluntarily noticing and changing my gender marker to M on accounts and stuff. Also nice.

My sex drive has leveled off a bit. I mean it is still crazy but not like at first. I am single now so I am navigating that and the interesting world of straight women flirting with me, sometimes shamelessly. Their games are complex and perplexing. They know they are attractive and they use their sex appeal to draw you in, to feel good about themselves... but over all women talk about not wanting to be treated like sex object... so confusing. But I digress.

My feet continue to grow, as evidenced by having to loosen my shoe laces every couple of weeks, thought the length seems to be consistent now.

I am able to do much more physically. I run for stress relief and fitness and my times continue to drop, even when I slack a bit. I moved this GIANT planter from my Granny's front porch to the back last weekend and was myself shocked and amazed that I could just bend over and pick up a concrete pot, with dirt and plan and all, and just move it. It was heavy but certainly manageable. Weird. My Granny thought I was going to get a hernia. Funny thought.

My acne is calming down considerably, though I do still get the occasional neck/back volcano type deal. Not pleasant. I am also losing my hair. It has thinned a bit and my hairline has receded significantly. BUT, let's face it, I am a 35 year old man... I SHOULD have a little bit of a receded hairline. And look around sometime, guys have this widows peek thing going most of the time whereas women do not. This whole experience makes me notice these things.

I have been giving myself my shots at home for quite a while now and it has become routine and practically mundane. It is therapeutic, though. Something about drawing the T into the needle and making the deliberate decision to inject every week keeps you connected to and grounded in the process.

Mentally and emotionally I think I am doing ok. I am still seeing a therapist every 3 weeks- she is my hero.

I had some professional disappointments in NOT getting a couple of jobs I thought I was pretty sure to get but I am happy to report that with my new found confidence and disposition, I was able to be present with my disappointment but take it in stride. In the past, it would have freaked me out. Now, I feel sure of myself and that something will work out. I am not saying it is fun to deal with this crappy job market but it sure is easier to do when you are calm and ok inside.

I think that is about it. I will try to write a more reflective entry soon on something a little more insightful. But these are the physical changes for now.