So, I have been reading and thinking a lot about "triggers" and "fear". One of the initial reasons I decided to seek therapy many years ago was because I could recognize that sometimes my reactions to things were way out of proportion to the actual event that had prompted those reactions. I felt that there had to be other things going on inside of me that made me react with such fierce emotions at seemingly little or benign things. What I have since learned is all about how the well-known fight or flight response can get activated when something gets linked to a previous "traumatic" event. This throws us into that panic mode and basically shuts down the thinking part of our brain. Ever wonder why you can't remember what you said in an argument? or why you can think of the perfectly witty response 10 minutes after you walk away from that confrontation? Yep, it's the leftover reptilian part of the brain going into overdrive, sensing a credible threat to your very survival. It's interesting to me that something that was once very necessary to the propagation of the species can now be such a frustrating stumbling block to emotional health and happiness. Or is it? This brings me to my question- how does one tell the difference between your gut and well, your gut. What I mean is this: I believe in "intuition". My whole life I have been able to feel things coming before they do. I have been acutely aware of the energy and vibe of those around me. Sometimes it drives people crazy that I can read them like a book. I get this sensation where I just "know". Sometimes I can't quite figure out what I am sensing but I am rarely off that there is something going on. It stops short of the hairs on my neck raising (usually) but you get the idea. I think these two things stem from the same survival instinct. I think they both flood my system with adrenaline and elicit the same physiological responses. Which makes them hard to tell apart. One of them is invaluable and helps me navigate potentially precarious landscapes and it definitely helps me be a good friend, husband, and attorney. The other is just annoying- it makes me overreact, STOPS me from thinking clearly and leads me down the rabbit hole. For years my therapist has been trying to help me get connected to my body, to be able to use it as feedback for what I need, how I feel, etc. Needless to say, if you don't like your body (be it due to gender dysphoria or some other reason) you try to ignore it, silence it, escape it. The last thing you want to do is connect to it. But as science continues to link physical and emotional and even spiritual existence perhaps we can learn to listen, embrace, connect. Many religions and spiritual movements have focused on this for thousands of years. But for me, this is a relatively new concept. And when you feel your body has betrayed your true self - it can be a tricky landscape. There may be missteps and stumbles, scraped knees and broken bones like the ones of my tomboy childhood. My mom used to get so aggravated that I'd get a new pair of jeans and within hours, the knees were torn out from all my rough and tumbling. She'd patch 'em up with rectangular iron on denim and hand then back, shaking her head, knowing trying to hold me back was futile. So I guess I'll stock up on giant band-aids, iron on patches, and Gatorade and get on back out there. Only out there is in there this time - inside my own body, looking for hidden treasures and triumph of a different sort.