Man in the Middle

Several people have recently asked for the link to this blog and that got me to rereading my entries. It is interesting to go back and read how I was feeling 7 weeks in, 3 months in, or even just last week. The danger of putting all this in writing is that it is there, in black and white. I cannot say I didn't say that or waffle at all about my experiences. They are there.

I could go back and delete entries, but where is the authenticity in that? This whole blog is about my journey. I am aware that if someone sat down and read the whole thing as it is today in one sitting, it would seem that I am full of contradictions. I am not sure that is all that far from the truth.

I guess there is always the pendulum effect. I particularly notice this when it comes to my discussions about who I am attracted to, etc. And I noticed I have not updated on the changes that have occurred for me in this area.

Let me say that I think my initial aversion to lesbians and bi women came partially from my last break up. And my relationship before that. Both of these women said that they were ok with men, hated labels, etc. But one of them occasionally said in a very mean and chastising way, "You are such a man!" This was said with disgust and disdain. Then, the other one got all freaked out at the dynamic shift. She was okay with being with a guy sexually but had never been with a guy in a relationship and once I transitioned, she didn't like it much. (There was more to it than that but me being a guy was central to our parting ways).

So, with these experiences in mind, as well as my own initial fears of anything that didn't bolster my masculinity, I set out on the path certain I would not want to be with anyone other than a purely heterosexual woman.

However, a couple of months ago, I was at a neighbors game night and had the privilege of meeting a woman that I connected with instantly. We talked for hours and have stayed in touch since then. This caught me off guard because I found myself wrestling with whether or not I'd like to date her or was attracted to her. These questions brought me to really think about what is important to me in a life partner/girlfriend/spouse.

And it occurred to me that what is important is the connection. What is important is basic compatibility. I am happy to say (see last post) that I am finally secure enough in my own masculinity that I do not need or want or exclusively seek a fem straight chick to fill that space.

And, more likely than not, I will find understanding and connection with someone who has had to really think through some similar issues for themselves. I know I am attracted to the female body, the feminine energy. And as long as whomever I am with sees me as a man, understands me as a person, then I will not make the mistake of prejudging or limiting myself or her.

I will work to stop the pendulum swing from extreme to extreme and learn to be comfortable as the man in the middle. Open to the Universe and whatever it has for me.