Missing Her

I recently celebrated my manniversary. It has been just over a year since I was hit upside the head by this brick of revelation. Every now and then I stumble across an old picture of A (the pre-transition me). And it always seems strange to me. She is familiar, like an old friend. But there is a touch of sadness there in that she is gone. I look back at photos of me/her with my kids, at the White House with family and it seems like there is a separation. It feels like a whole other life, a whole other person. It's very hard to explain.

I feel no regret or remorse. I have not second guessed this decision for one single moment since I made it. The thought of going back is completely intolerable. But, I will say, I miss her. I morn her in many ways. That persona served me well. I was able to accomplish so much ... from having kids to a teaching career to law school.


And it is interesting navigating the world primarily stealth. You lose connections. For example, when woman are talking about child birth or some such inherently female experience, I still find myself wanting to chime in. Then, I just kinda laugh at myself and keep my mouth shut. Unless they are in the know... at which time I share pretty openly.

The simple fact is, transpoeple are a group unto themselves.

I didn't have the inherently male experiences through adolescence that cis guys had. And in part, I am grateful for that because I think society makes it really hard for guys to be balanced and in touch with all facets of themselves. But where does that leave me? I was a male mentally, emotionally, psychologically... but having the physical experiences of a female. Such a conundrum.

And sometimes a very lonely place.

So, I try to process the separation and loss as I would any other. I talk to her sometimes, journal about it and now blogging about it. I am not sad, overall. I am not lonely, overall. But I am learning how to let myself feel the full range of emotions that come with actually moving through things which means unexplained aches and tears sometimes... but I try to let 'em flow... let 'em wash over old wounds and let their salt sting...knowing it will promote healing.

Heal on.

Do Overs

So, today is Easter. It is the Christian holiday that celebrates the resurrection of Christ. New Beginnings. It is Spring time in Texas and all the wildflowers are in full bloom.

Religious icons and plants are not the only things enjoying renewal. I am too. It is funny how everything seems new to me. I feel emotions I have never felt before, see colors more brightly, everything is alive, fresh and new.

This new feeling of life and joy can bring on an on slaught of emotions. Of course it is positive but at times I am also sad (and even a bit angry) that I have gone so long without it.

The most obvious example is with my kids. B is here this weekend and I have so enjoyed our time together. He makes me laugh all the time. We wrestle and play and horse around. And I think about when he was little and how very numb I was. I remember a time when he was about 2 years old. He did something adoreable that should have made me swoon with parental oozy love. But it didn't. I remember being aware that it was cute and knowing I should have wanted to scoop him up and smother him with kisses. But I didn't have it in me. That is when I knew there was something very wrong with where I was emotionally. I had no idea if it was post partum depression (R was a few months old) or what. I just knew it didn't feel like it should.

I faught to be present with my kids. Knowing that they needed me and that those years would be gone forever. I think, all things considered, I did a pretty good job of navigating all that. But being here now, being safe and healthy enough emotionally now to adore them, makes me both want to celebrate and cherish each moment and mourn the loss of all that time. And it makes me hope beyond hope that I might get a second chance to have a family.

I have written before about how I am a good old boy who wants the girl next door and the traditional family, etc. I wondered, and frankly was very cynical, about the possibility that I would ever find someone to build such a life with.

Well, funny thing. I have heard all the saying all my life about when you stop looking, you will find it. When you let you, you will get it, etc. Everybody kept telling me that when I was happy with where I was, when I accepted it, then it would free up energy in the universe for things to shift for me.

Now, I am a business owner of a start up firm. I am founding partner and half owner with a friend and colleague of mine. We are up and running and I have everything I ever wanted in a career. And to add to that... I also have met someone and am completely elated with her. We have the kind of synergy that I never thought possible. We have mutual admiration and adoration for one another. We have the spark. We laugh constantly and dream big together.

So, in just about every area, I am gettin what feels like a do over. A chance to begin again. To build a solid foundation on solid ground. I have been afaid to reach for the stars or dream in the clouds because I was not grounded. It is too scary when you don't have a touchstone. It feels out of control and like destruction and disappointment are certain. But now...now it just feels like flying. And I know I am safe and will survive whatever comes my way because this time, I have me to rely on.

And I am enough.